i want to get back into sketching stuff like i used to.
and i want to manage to keep a journal for more than a month without getting bored and forgetting to update.
in the spirit of post secret and a new year;
Sunday, December 30, 2007
oh. one more.
new years resolution i forgot about.
i want to get back into sketching stuff like i used to.
and i want to manage to keep a journal for more than a month without getting bored and forgetting to update.
in the spirit of post secret and a new year;
i want to get back into sketching stuff like i used to.
and i want to manage to keep a journal for more than a month without getting bored and forgetting to update.
in the spirit of post secret and a new year;
i'm a dork.
i actually have plans for the new year, yay-hooray!
we're partying at jon's with jp, mike, bowen, chelsea, sahana, and maybe dom?
then chelsea and sahana are coming home and crashing at my house.
i also have bright pink hair. i got bored.
so i managed to convince my mom to bleach my hair, and dye it pink for me.
it's got little pinkish orange bits towards the ends, and when i pull it back the underside is really bright neon pink.
it makes me look like a lion, kind of.
i like it.
i'll be pissed if school makes me dye over it.
in other news, we went to michaels today.
shannon bought craft supplies.
i bought a new sketch pad, sharpie, and a can of red spray paint to smuggle into school so the reds can tag the prop room.
white primer just wasn't doing the job... i adore crew <3
i finally got new earbuds from my dad.
apparently he's had them in his drawer for ages while i've been listening to my music for a month through one earbud that's starting to crackle and static. so now, i can hear angels & airwaves in full sound quality in BOTH EARS.
it's fantastic.
i guess in the spirit of the new year, since i'll be too tired to blog tomorrow night, i'll post my resolutions.
i don't really have any set in stone ones.
i decided i should probably work out some. less junk food might be a good idea.
and i'm going to actually take some risks in life.
and i'm going to let my friends know how much i care about them and value them.
oh, and i'm going to hold a killer ping pong tournament at my house sometime so my mom can meet jon.
i really, need to get better things to resolve about. but i'm happy and good.
happy new year, all. i love you guys. :)
we're partying at jon's with jp, mike, bowen, chelsea, sahana, and maybe dom?
then chelsea and sahana are coming home and crashing at my house.
i also have bright pink hair. i got bored.
so i managed to convince my mom to bleach my hair, and dye it pink for me.
it's got little pinkish orange bits towards the ends, and when i pull it back the underside is really bright neon pink.
it makes me look like a lion, kind of.
i like it.
i'll be pissed if school makes me dye over it.
in other news, we went to michaels today.
shannon bought craft supplies.
i bought a new sketch pad, sharpie, and a can of red spray paint to smuggle into school so the reds can tag the prop room.
white primer just wasn't doing the job... i adore crew <3
i finally got new earbuds from my dad.
apparently he's had them in his drawer for ages while i've been listening to my music for a month through one earbud that's starting to crackle and static. so now, i can hear angels & airwaves in full sound quality in BOTH EARS.
it's fantastic.
i guess in the spirit of the new year, since i'll be too tired to blog tomorrow night, i'll post my resolutions.
i don't really have any set in stone ones.
i decided i should probably work out some. less junk food might be a good idea.
and i'm going to actually take some risks in life.
and i'm going to let my friends know how much i care about them and value them.
oh, and i'm going to hold a killer ping pong tournament at my house sometime so my mom can meet jon.
i really, need to get better things to resolve about. but i'm happy and good.
happy new year, all. i love you guys. :)
Thursday, December 27, 2007
i'm so cool,
i pour my bottled frappuccinos into coffee mugs because it makes me feel less lame.
life is good.
i am legend last night was fun :)
and then chelsea spent the night!
we went to bed at around 5.30am.
i ended up going back to bed after she left and sleeping until about two.
not much else to say thats worth posting for the world to see.
life is good.
i am legend last night was fun :)
and then chelsea spent the night!
we went to bed at around 5.30am.
i ended up going back to bed after she left and sleeping until about two.
not much else to say thats worth posting for the world to see.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
yeah yeah yeah christmas!
LAST NIGHT I SAW CARL! it made me really happy :D :D we sat a couple rows behind him in church so he gave me a highfive as i was walking back from communion xD my sister laughed at me.
but after mass he ran over and i got hugs and it was cool.
hahah so i was up until about one watching the warriors because i couldn't sleep last night. well, i was actually about to fall asleep when i plugged in my phone and saw that i had a new voicemail from alec. so even though it's like 11, i listened to the voicemail, which was basically an early merry christmas because he knew i'd be too busy to answer my phone this morning.
right, so when i finally fell asleep i woke up again at five am, then AGAIN at seven when my sister burst into my room and started shaking me because "IT'S CHRISTMAS!"
... i could've used a bit more sleep, but that's just me.
anywho, a breakdown of the goodies :]
my stocking was general little cool stuff, candy, etc.
then my sister gave me a "I <3 TOXIC WASTE" shirt (i don't actually heart toxic waste, it's from a movie :D )
er. and i got a kickass moleskine notebook i asked for because i wanted it, some random grandparent gifts, another fancy whiteboard, a tim hortons coffee mug because i always steal my dad's :D
they got me a four pack of "dark chocolate peppermint mocha" frappuchinos from starbucks in the cool bottles, I-EMPIRE (!) and the matches' first album (!) :D
oh and these amazing fingerless gloves i fell in love with at world market that look kind of like they belong on sherpa but they're really cool. they were made in like tibet or something and they're great.
AND...
(insert chelsea and jon freaking out here)
A NEW CAMERA :D
canon powershot a560, just like i asked for. it's amazing and suprisingly just about the right size to fit in my back pocket if i really needed to carry it there.
all in all, a good christmas :]
hope you all had a great one too.
but after mass he ran over and i got hugs and it was cool.
hahah so i was up until about one watching the warriors because i couldn't sleep last night. well, i was actually about to fall asleep when i plugged in my phone and saw that i had a new voicemail from alec. so even though it's like 11, i listened to the voicemail, which was basically an early merry christmas because he knew i'd be too busy to answer my phone this morning.
right, so when i finally fell asleep i woke up again at five am, then AGAIN at seven when my sister burst into my room and started shaking me because "IT'S CHRISTMAS!"
... i could've used a bit more sleep, but that's just me.
anywho, a breakdown of the goodies :]
my stocking was general little cool stuff, candy, etc.
then my sister gave me a "I <3 TOXIC WASTE" shirt (i don't actually heart toxic waste, it's from a movie :D )
er. and i got a kickass moleskine notebook i asked for because i wanted it, some random grandparent gifts, another fancy whiteboard, a tim hortons coffee mug because i always steal my dad's :D
they got me a four pack of "dark chocolate peppermint mocha" frappuchinos from starbucks in the cool bottles, I-EMPIRE (!) and the matches' first album (!) :D
oh and these amazing fingerless gloves i fell in love with at world market that look kind of like they belong on sherpa but they're really cool. they were made in like tibet or something and they're great.
AND...
(insert chelsea and jon freaking out here)
A NEW CAMERA :D
canon powershot a560, just like i asked for. it's amazing and suprisingly just about the right size to fit in my back pocket if i really needed to carry it there.
all in all, a good christmas :]
hope you all had a great one too.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
for christmas,
i've decided that while i'm sitting here avoiding going to bed, i might write this up. i've been meaning to for a while and never got around to it, but i think it might help to put my year into perspective and it'll be nice to have around when i'm blue.
yeah, and i'm in a list making mood anyhow.
things i love about life.
1. looking through stacks of old pictures and remembering.
2. sunny days in the summer where all the leaves are green and the sky's so beautifully blue.
3. bare feet.
4. sundresses.
5. my teddy bear, valiant.
6. warm blankets on cold days.
7. hot cocoa with lots of marshmallows.
8. when my dad makes fires in the fireplace some days in the fall, and we all sit around reading by the fire.
9. the way stars sparkle in the night sky when we're all wandering around at fencing.
10. discovering a song you absolutely love.
11. trench warfare with vitamin water!
12. seeing the full moon.
13. mornings where the bus is on time so you don't freeze.
14. waking up to cute text messages.
15. spiced apple cider with a cinnamon stick in it.
16. wading in the ocean.
17. 35mm film and real pictures.
18. making mixtapes for midnight drives i hope to take.
19. receiving the coolest mixtapes from the coolest people.
20. texting in spanish class and getting away with it.
20.5. seeing other people text in spanish class and not get away with it.
21. jack skellington bed sheets.
22. taking "mental health days" and calling in sick to school.
23. riding on the back of motorcycles.
24. the obnoxious sound the electronic scoring equipment makes at tournaments.
25. waking up at 7 in the morning on a saturday to go run a tournament for seven hours.
26. the way doug always manages to kill his back before tournaments, and the way he always asks me to rub it for him.
27. iced cappuchinos and a doughnut every friday night.
28. driving to detroit in the rain with jon and jp.
29. blowing through red lights while i'm on the phone.
30. converse high tops.
31. mysterious graffiti that appears on my converse after jon wears them.
32. my mom's old jewelry from the 80s.
33. messy ponytails.
34. riding in shopping carts.
35. snow days.
36. riding home at midnight with the postal service blasting so loud you can't hear anything else.
37. green tea with just enough honey.
38. homeade bread.
39. still liking harry potter.
40. waking up at five in the morning on a saturday to go slave labor all day at the renfest, only to get home at ten and wake up again at five the next morning.
41. the car rides up to the renfest.
42. build me up, buttercup!
43. happy meal toys and not the meal itself.
44. that perfect pair of jeans that's destroyed beyond belief but you love.
45. surviving gym class.
46. getting tackled and not even realizing it until you're on the cement laughing.
47. playing baseball in the street on summer nights.
48. jack kerouac.
49. talking to dan about life and living in the wild.
50. organic lotion.
51. the sheer amount of monster cans that collect backstage because of crew.
52. sitting in the parking lot during act one just talking about everything.
53. captain planet tshirts!
54. the mental tie between argyle socks and andre.
55. finding tshirts under your bed you thought were lost for good.
56. hammocks.
57. rustic camping with the family.
58. flannel.
59. paint-stained jeans.
60. when my parents are proud of me.
61. passing algebra 2 tests once in a while.
62. missing almost every hour for in school crew!
63. hall passes.
64. exploding light boards.
65. not sleeping.
66. sleeping in.
67. talking on the phone with alec about absolutely nothing and hanging up and realizing we talked for an hour.
68. SEA meetings.
69. being impulsive, even if it scares you shitless.
70. dying my hair.
71. calling people complete idiots in class and getting away with it because mr. barker agrees with me.
72. reading existentialism for fun.
73. homemade tshirts.
74. sitting crosslegged on counters.
75. daisies.
76. the rec center.
77. albums on vinyl.
78. crowdsurfing!
79. falling over.
80. meeting new, slightly crazy people.
81. carrying monster in my purse.
82. fight club!
83. the feeling of buying a really good book.
84. crude jokes.
85. baking cookies.
86. electric fencing!
87. talking to brian about zombie invasions.
88. knowing at least three people who have made or are making chain mail.
89. fancy coffee.
90. watching cinderella with carl.
91. the christmas spirit.
92. sledding in pajamas.
93. freezing to death at fencing.
94. the bad touch.
95. the phone ringing at midnight.
96. the week that a play opens and crew goes nuts.
97. cast parties.
98. knowing about underground bands before alternative press does.
99. purevolume.
100. the way your ears ring after a really amazing concert.
101. the way your ears ring after riding with jp.
102. red bull for breakfast!
103. being too lazy to eat breakfast.
104. saturday crew and "testing" the strobe lights.
105. listening to people debate about how the metric system screws up the way we cut pizza.
106. facebook.
107. parents being temporarily insane and letting me go to a concert with three guys they'd never met.
108. fedoras.
109. welts from saber!
110. knowing way too many stage combat drills.
111. wishing on 11:11.
112. burger king at midnight.
113. blasting jon out of the house with "because i got high"
114. really warm hoodies.
115. skanking.
116. absurd bruises you don't want to admit you got through your own stupidity.
117. neon eyeliner.
118. falling asleep in world history.
119. biology class.
120. canoeing!
121. building campfires.
122. summer nights where you can lay on the grass and watch fireflies.
123. the feeling of a clean room before it gets trashed again.
124. concert tickets.
125. bike rides in the dark.
126. swingsets.
127. my birthday.
128. being unemployed.
129. hippie clothes.
130. peace and love :)
131. such great heights, by the postal service.
132. amazingly long lasting ipod batteries.
133. comfy pajama pants.
134. hugs.
135. really awesome ballpoint pens.
136. the way you lose your balance in mosh pits.
137. not being able to hear for a couple days because you stood by a speaker.
138. realizing people have no idea how crazy your friends really are.
139. drinking monster when you're supposed to be sleeping.
140. monster chugging contests.
141. beaches.
142. jones soda labels.
143. being able to wander around the school for no reason because "it's for in school crew."
144. the way all your clothes smell like campfire when you get home from camping.
145. the spree fireworks.
146. hiding from creepy cops.
147. getting kicked out of the rec center over and over again.
148. warm concrete.
149. sitting in trees.
150. when sahana and i call matt at three in the morning over the summer and he picks up.
151. buying boxers from the gap and not buying actual clothes.
152. underwear shopping.
153. not doing to-do lists.
154. the perfect green apple.
155. pictures that you didn't mean to take that end up great.
156. ending up on dom's front porch because they took our cookies.
157. eating takeout rice in parking lots.
158. being able to say, a year later, "you still have my shirt..."
159. overpriced concert merch.
160. the overwhelming stack of alternative presses on my shelf.
161. going to fencing and not fencing.
162. smoothies from the smoothie guys at the renfest who dance while they make it.
163. chocolate when you're sad.
164. when you have tons of clean laundry and you wear the same pants for a week straight.
165. cramming five people into four seats after the plays so we can go out to dinner.
166. the cute stickers that come on bananas.
167. that one line of perfect lyrics.
168. tree stars!
169. glow in the dark dinosaur stickers.
170. direct elimination rounds.
171. watching someone pull off a perfect fleche.
172. finally getting your en garde exact.
173. mysterious scrapes from when your non-weapon hand happens to get in the way of your opponents blade.
174. obnoxious socks.
175. listening to doug and travis talk about star wars video games for two hours.
176. balloon duty.
177. NOT knowing the soulja boy dance.
178. flogging molly + dropkick murphys = shawn harris, the irish faerie baby.
179. spare change.
180. walking to the gas station in the middle of act one for mr. corliss.
181. stealing programs.
182. ramen noodles.
183. old pictures.
184. full memory cards.
185. broken blades.
186. fencing parties at doug's house.
187. seeing pirates of the carribean and realizing you own about half of johnny depp's outfit.
188. knowing movies verbatim.
189. the new jersey turnpike.
190. standing at the top of a lighthouse.
191. rolling down sand dunes.
192. frisbee!
193. sunburns.
194. the millenium force.
195. graffiti.
196. obnoxious hats my sister knits me.
197. the way your favorite shirt cost about three bucks, and the way you hate the really expensive shirts.
198. buying new pants and still wearing the old pants.
199. tortilla chips and the good kind of salsa.
200. guacamole.
201. crazy relatives.
202. cheating at euchre.
203. sour patch kids popsicles.
204. christmas cheer.
205. life, in general.
yeah, and i'm in a list making mood anyhow.
things i love about life.
1. looking through stacks of old pictures and remembering.
2. sunny days in the summer where all the leaves are green and the sky's so beautifully blue.
3. bare feet.
4. sundresses.
5. my teddy bear, valiant.
6. warm blankets on cold days.
7. hot cocoa with lots of marshmallows.
8. when my dad makes fires in the fireplace some days in the fall, and we all sit around reading by the fire.
9. the way stars sparkle in the night sky when we're all wandering around at fencing.
10. discovering a song you absolutely love.
11. trench warfare with vitamin water!
12. seeing the full moon.
13. mornings where the bus is on time so you don't freeze.
14. waking up to cute text messages.
15. spiced apple cider with a cinnamon stick in it.
16. wading in the ocean.
17. 35mm film and real pictures.
18. making mixtapes for midnight drives i hope to take.
19. receiving the coolest mixtapes from the coolest people.
20. texting in spanish class and getting away with it.
20.5. seeing other people text in spanish class and not get away with it.
21. jack skellington bed sheets.
22. taking "mental health days" and calling in sick to school.
23. riding on the back of motorcycles.
24. the obnoxious sound the electronic scoring equipment makes at tournaments.
25. waking up at 7 in the morning on a saturday to go run a tournament for seven hours.
26. the way doug always manages to kill his back before tournaments, and the way he always asks me to rub it for him.
27. iced cappuchinos and a doughnut every friday night.
28. driving to detroit in the rain with jon and jp.
29. blowing through red lights while i'm on the phone.
30. converse high tops.
31. mysterious graffiti that appears on my converse after jon wears them.
32. my mom's old jewelry from the 80s.
33. messy ponytails.
34. riding in shopping carts.
35. snow days.
36. riding home at midnight with the postal service blasting so loud you can't hear anything else.
37. green tea with just enough honey.
38. homeade bread.
39. still liking harry potter.
40. waking up at five in the morning on a saturday to go slave labor all day at the renfest, only to get home at ten and wake up again at five the next morning.
41. the car rides up to the renfest.
42. build me up, buttercup!
43. happy meal toys and not the meal itself.
44. that perfect pair of jeans that's destroyed beyond belief but you love.
45. surviving gym class.
46. getting tackled and not even realizing it until you're on the cement laughing.
47. playing baseball in the street on summer nights.
48. jack kerouac.
49. talking to dan about life and living in the wild.
50. organic lotion.
51. the sheer amount of monster cans that collect backstage because of crew.
52. sitting in the parking lot during act one just talking about everything.
53. captain planet tshirts!
54. the mental tie between argyle socks and andre.
55. finding tshirts under your bed you thought were lost for good.
56. hammocks.
57. rustic camping with the family.
58. flannel.
59. paint-stained jeans.
60. when my parents are proud of me.
61. passing algebra 2 tests once in a while.
62. missing almost every hour for in school crew!
63. hall passes.
64. exploding light boards.
65. not sleeping.
66. sleeping in.
67. talking on the phone with alec about absolutely nothing and hanging up and realizing we talked for an hour.
68. SEA meetings.
69. being impulsive, even if it scares you shitless.
70. dying my hair.
71. calling people complete idiots in class and getting away with it because mr. barker agrees with me.
72. reading existentialism for fun.
73. homemade tshirts.
74. sitting crosslegged on counters.
75. daisies.
76. the rec center.
77. albums on vinyl.
78. crowdsurfing!
79. falling over.
80. meeting new, slightly crazy people.
81. carrying monster in my purse.
82. fight club!
83. the feeling of buying a really good book.
84. crude jokes.
85. baking cookies.
86. electric fencing!
87. talking to brian about zombie invasions.
88. knowing at least three people who have made or are making chain mail.
89. fancy coffee.
90. watching cinderella with carl.
91. the christmas spirit.
92. sledding in pajamas.
93. freezing to death at fencing.
94. the bad touch.
95. the phone ringing at midnight.
96. the week that a play opens and crew goes nuts.
97. cast parties.
98. knowing about underground bands before alternative press does.
99. purevolume.
100. the way your ears ring after a really amazing concert.
101. the way your ears ring after riding with jp.
102. red bull for breakfast!
103. being too lazy to eat breakfast.
104. saturday crew and "testing" the strobe lights.
105. listening to people debate about how the metric system screws up the way we cut pizza.
106. facebook.
107. parents being temporarily insane and letting me go to a concert with three guys they'd never met.
108. fedoras.
109. welts from saber!
110. knowing way too many stage combat drills.
111. wishing on 11:11.
112. burger king at midnight.
113. blasting jon out of the house with "because i got high"
114. really warm hoodies.
115. skanking.
116. absurd bruises you don't want to admit you got through your own stupidity.
117. neon eyeliner.
118. falling asleep in world history.
119. biology class.
120. canoeing!
121. building campfires.
122. summer nights where you can lay on the grass and watch fireflies.
123. the feeling of a clean room before it gets trashed again.
124. concert tickets.
125. bike rides in the dark.
126. swingsets.
127. my birthday.
128. being unemployed.
129. hippie clothes.
130. peace and love :)
131. such great heights, by the postal service.
132. amazingly long lasting ipod batteries.
133. comfy pajama pants.
134. hugs.
135. really awesome ballpoint pens.
136. the way you lose your balance in mosh pits.
137. not being able to hear for a couple days because you stood by a speaker.
138. realizing people have no idea how crazy your friends really are.
139. drinking monster when you're supposed to be sleeping.
140. monster chugging contests.
141. beaches.
142. jones soda labels.
143. being able to wander around the school for no reason because "it's for in school crew."
144. the way all your clothes smell like campfire when you get home from camping.
145. the spree fireworks.
146. hiding from creepy cops.
147. getting kicked out of the rec center over and over again.
148. warm concrete.
149. sitting in trees.
150. when sahana and i call matt at three in the morning over the summer and he picks up.
151. buying boxers from the gap and not buying actual clothes.
152. underwear shopping.
153. not doing to-do lists.
154. the perfect green apple.
155. pictures that you didn't mean to take that end up great.
156. ending up on dom's front porch because they took our cookies.
157. eating takeout rice in parking lots.
158. being able to say, a year later, "you still have my shirt..."
159. overpriced concert merch.
160. the overwhelming stack of alternative presses on my shelf.
161. going to fencing and not fencing.
162. smoothies from the smoothie guys at the renfest who dance while they make it.
163. chocolate when you're sad.
164. when you have tons of clean laundry and you wear the same pants for a week straight.
165. cramming five people into four seats after the plays so we can go out to dinner.
166. the cute stickers that come on bananas.
167. that one line of perfect lyrics.
168. tree stars!
169. glow in the dark dinosaur stickers.
170. direct elimination rounds.
171. watching someone pull off a perfect fleche.
172. finally getting your en garde exact.
173. mysterious scrapes from when your non-weapon hand happens to get in the way of your opponents blade.
174. obnoxious socks.
175. listening to doug and travis talk about star wars video games for two hours.
176. balloon duty.
177. NOT knowing the soulja boy dance.
178. flogging molly + dropkick murphys = shawn harris, the irish faerie baby.
179. spare change.
180. walking to the gas station in the middle of act one for mr. corliss.
181. stealing programs.
182. ramen noodles.
183. old pictures.
184. full memory cards.
185. broken blades.
186. fencing parties at doug's house.
187. seeing pirates of the carribean and realizing you own about half of johnny depp's outfit.
188. knowing movies verbatim.
189. the new jersey turnpike.
190. standing at the top of a lighthouse.
191. rolling down sand dunes.
192. frisbee!
193. sunburns.
194. the millenium force.
195. graffiti.
196. obnoxious hats my sister knits me.
197. the way your favorite shirt cost about three bucks, and the way you hate the really expensive shirts.
198. buying new pants and still wearing the old pants.
199. tortilla chips and the good kind of salsa.
200. guacamole.
201. crazy relatives.
202. cheating at euchre.
203. sour patch kids popsicles.
204. christmas cheer.
205. life, in general.
i went kind of nuts
and made two new mix tapes for when i get a car.
the midnight drive.
1. the adventure- angels & airwaves
2. such great heights- the postal service
3. secret crowds- angels & airwaves
4. the gift- angels & airwaves
5. takeoffs and landings- the ataris
6. nightswimming- r.e.m.
7. bittersweet symphony- the verve
8. the quiet things no one ever knows- brand new
9. sweetness- jimmy eat world
10. walking with a ghost- teagan and sara
11. disarm- smashing pumpkins
12. midnight confession- the grass roots
13. chemistry- rush
14. celestial soda pop- ray lynch
15. wonderwall- oasis
16. glycerine- bush
17. let it be- the beatles
18. everything's magic- angels & airwaves
this is the best day ever.
1. surrender- cheap trick
2. bohemian like you- the dandy warhols
3. party boy theme- jackass
4. sweet child o'mine- guns n' roses
5. the bad touch- bloodhound gang
6. little maggots-the matches
7. this is for real- motion city soundtrack
8. ten minutes-the get up kids
9. dysentary gary- blink 182
10. insurance?-the higher
11. feeling this-blink 182
12. fight for your right (to party)- the beastie boys
13. aww dip-cobra starship
14. stuck in america-sugarcult
15. rep your clique- the audition
16. should i stay or should i go-the clash
17. a praise chorus- jimmy eat world
18. blitzkrieg bop- the ramones
19. kiss off-violent femmes
20. my own worst enemy-lit
21. even a broken clock is right twice a day- broadway's not ready
22. the geeks get the girls- american hi-fi
23. girl's not grey- afi
24. red flag-billy talent
so those are all ready to go on tape.
then i had a monster, got forced into two games of family yahtzee that i won (both of them!)
then alec called so we talked for an hour while i finished up arranging the order of the songs.
COOL that killed a battery bar on my phone
tomorrow is christmas eve... crazy thought, isn't it?
the midnight drive.
1. the adventure- angels & airwaves
2. such great heights- the postal service
3. secret crowds- angels & airwaves
4. the gift- angels & airwaves
5. takeoffs and landings- the ataris
6. nightswimming- r.e.m.
7. bittersweet symphony- the verve
8. the quiet things no one ever knows- brand new
9. sweetness- jimmy eat world
10. walking with a ghost- teagan and sara
11. disarm- smashing pumpkins
12. midnight confession- the grass roots
13. chemistry- rush
14. celestial soda pop- ray lynch
15. wonderwall- oasis
16. glycerine- bush
17. let it be- the beatles
18. everything's magic- angels & airwaves
this is the best day ever.
1. surrender- cheap trick
2. bohemian like you- the dandy warhols
3. party boy theme- jackass
4. sweet child o'mine- guns n' roses
5. the bad touch- bloodhound gang
6. little maggots-the matches
7. this is for real- motion city soundtrack
8. ten minutes-the get up kids
9. dysentary gary- blink 182
10. insurance?-the higher
11. feeling this-blink 182
12. fight for your right (to party)- the beastie boys
13. aww dip-cobra starship
14. stuck in america-sugarcult
15. rep your clique- the audition
16. should i stay or should i go-the clash
17. a praise chorus- jimmy eat world
18. blitzkrieg bop- the ramones
19. kiss off-violent femmes
20. my own worst enemy-lit
21. even a broken clock is right twice a day- broadway's not ready
22. the geeks get the girls- american hi-fi
23. girl's not grey- afi
24. red flag-billy talent
so those are all ready to go on tape.
then i had a monster, got forced into two games of family yahtzee that i won (both of them!)
then alec called so we talked for an hour while i finished up arranging the order of the songs.
COOL that killed a battery bar on my phone
tomorrow is christmas eve... crazy thought, isn't it?
Saturday, December 22, 2007
never take friendship personal.
i think i've decided that sleeping is a waste of night.
this will obviously prove to be a horrible decision come the end of break, but for now i'm content with going to bed at two, and waking up at noon.
the night is more interesting. the day is grey, and lonely, and not worth being awake for.
the night is dark, and you can see the christmas lights and the sky and it feels more like living.
i like life right now, honestly.
i like staying up with all the other insomniacs of the world, drowning myself in old episodes of house.
i like sleeping through breakfast and lunch, and eating ice cream at eleven at night.
i like having friends who call me to wake me up because they want to talk to me, who wake up and sneak on the computer at one even with swim practice the next morning.
well. off to watch more house :)
this will obviously prove to be a horrible decision come the end of break, but for now i'm content with going to bed at two, and waking up at noon.
the night is more interesting. the day is grey, and lonely, and not worth being awake for.
the night is dark, and you can see the christmas lights and the sky and it feels more like living.
i like life right now, honestly.
i like staying up with all the other insomniacs of the world, drowning myself in old episodes of house.
i like sleeping through breakfast and lunch, and eating ice cream at eleven at night.
i like having friends who call me to wake me up because they want to talk to me, who wake up and sneak on the computer at one even with swim practice the next morning.
well. off to watch more house :)
somedays, i get crazed.
i forgot how much i liked bayside.
last night was nice. i needed it.
phone with alec for about an hour before sahana came and picked me up :)
we went back to her place where we baked a huge cookie that filled the entire cookie sheet because we didn't want to bother with cookie cutters.
it was huge, and delicious.
we indulged in one (1) awesome adam brody movie- if you haven't seen in the land of women yet, i strongly recommend rushing out and doing so.
we also indulged in about two (2) hours of hardcore talk that we probably both needed.
overall, a good night.
fell asleep my clothes around two or two thirty, only to be woken up at like seven fortyfive because sahana had to be somewhere at eight thirty or so.
came home, made my parents breakfast, and went to bed without eating anything that i made.
i kind of forgot about the whole food thing until dinner today, seeing as i woke up about two or so in the afternoon.
alec called but i've got something to prove so i didn't answer.
oh, and eric called last night asking if i was going to the party. he's really polite.
ethan called too. but we didn't go.
overall, a good day. my room's clean now, so clean you can see the floor and furniture. it's a shock, i know.
we're off to the lightfest. i wish i had my new camera now D:
i didn't wear makeup all day
dan, i listen to you every once in a while after all.
last night was nice. i needed it.
phone with alec for about an hour before sahana came and picked me up :)
we went back to her place where we baked a huge cookie that filled the entire cookie sheet because we didn't want to bother with cookie cutters.
it was huge, and delicious.
we indulged in one (1) awesome adam brody movie- if you haven't seen in the land of women yet, i strongly recommend rushing out and doing so.
we also indulged in about two (2) hours of hardcore talk that we probably both needed.
overall, a good night.
fell asleep my clothes around two or two thirty, only to be woken up at like seven fortyfive because sahana had to be somewhere at eight thirty or so.
came home, made my parents breakfast, and went to bed without eating anything that i made.
i kind of forgot about the whole food thing until dinner today, seeing as i woke up about two or so in the afternoon.
alec called but i've got something to prove so i didn't answer.
oh, and eric called last night asking if i was going to the party. he's really polite.
ethan called too. but we didn't go.
overall, a good day. my room's clean now, so clean you can see the floor and furniture. it's a shock, i know.
we're off to the lightfest. i wish i had my new camera now D:
i didn't wear makeup all day
dan, i listen to you every once in a while after all.
Friday, December 21, 2007
things are pretty cool here.
i love break.
basically, i've been sitting home watching movies and taking naps and staying up until one and sleeping in until noon.
it's nice to not have responsibilities or plans or anything.
i can't believe it's four days until christmas. i'm not really in the spirit this year, but i've just got this resounding happiness anyways.
i've finally gotten back to talking with dan like we used to. it's nice, and always entertaining. last night i was talking to him about all sorts of thing i'm not supposed to talk about except for in code x] alec apparently got kicked off the computer, so when his parents went to watch a movie he called me and we talked for a good hour. it was nice. he and dan are so crazy sometimes. but eventually his parents made him hang up because at that point it was like nine, and he was sick and had to go to swim in the morning. but he called back once they left so we talked for a little while longer while i was still talking to dan until his parents got pretty pissed and he had to go sleep.
then i basically wasted my life watching south park until one in the morning online. bahahaa. so i went to sleep like around 1.30 and was woken up around 8.30 or so by alec calling me because he'd decided it was time for me to wake up. i actually got up and dragged the macbook into bed with me, so we talked for a bit before he had to go to swim and i went back to sleep.
yeah, i like break.
basically, i've been sitting home watching movies and taking naps and staying up until one and sleeping in until noon.
it's nice to not have responsibilities or plans or anything.
i can't believe it's four days until christmas. i'm not really in the spirit this year, but i've just got this resounding happiness anyways.
i've finally gotten back to talking with dan like we used to. it's nice, and always entertaining. last night i was talking to him about all sorts of thing i'm not supposed to talk about except for in code x] alec apparently got kicked off the computer, so when his parents went to watch a movie he called me and we talked for a good hour. it was nice. he and dan are so crazy sometimes. but eventually his parents made him hang up because at that point it was like nine, and he was sick and had to go to swim in the morning. but he called back once they left so we talked for a little while longer while i was still talking to dan until his parents got pretty pissed and he had to go sleep.
then i basically wasted my life watching south park until one in the morning online. bahahaa. so i went to sleep like around 1.30 and was woken up around 8.30 or so by alec calling me because he'd decided it was time for me to wake up. i actually got up and dragged the macbook into bed with me, so we talked for a bit before he had to go to swim and i went back to sleep.
yeah, i like break.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
it fits?
When was the night
that showed us the sign?
Revealed in the sky, to leave all behind.
But where to begin? throwing caution to the wind,
We reached for the stars, everything was now ours.
Did you know how you would move me, did you know?
Did you know how you would move me?
well, I don’t even think so.
but the moment's magic swept us away.
and it’s so close, but we’re so far away.
It’s so close, but we’re so far away.
that showed us the sign?
Revealed in the sky, to leave all behind.
But where to begin? throwing caution to the wind,
We reached for the stars, everything was now ours.
Did you know how you would move me, did you know?
Did you know how you would move me?
well, I don’t even think so.
but the moment's magic swept us away.
and it’s so close, but we’re so far away.
It’s so close, but we’re so far away.
there she goes again...
haha, so monday night was cool. we completely owned jon and vince and dom (not really). my phone got buried in the snow twice, it was so easy to see vince because he was in army fatigues, and next time jon puts snow down my back and makes me freeze again i swear to god i'll punch him.
we eventually ended up on dom's front porch after jon left us to go get the cookies back, a lot of girl talk with chelsea and i, and a few irate phone calls basically consisting of "where the hell are you? come find us! we can't feel our fingers!"
on the way back to jon's, we called mike: "hey, we're on our way to get you."
so, jon and chelsea and i went back to jon's house while jon's mom went and got mike. chelsea and i raided jon's drawers and changed into dry pants and shirts (i took jon's star wars shirt! :D)
basically i ended up with spare change down jon's pants, and a katana two inches from my face while i was on the phone with alec. always fun.
yesterday was lame. a bunch of swimmers called me at like 10.30 asking weird questions. hahaha.
today we had plans but they didn't work out so i'm hanging out here.
i don't know whats going on, whoop whoop.
we eventually ended up on dom's front porch after jon left us to go get the cookies back, a lot of girl talk with chelsea and i, and a few irate phone calls basically consisting of "where the hell are you? come find us! we can't feel our fingers!"
on the way back to jon's, we called mike: "hey, we're on our way to get you."
so, jon and chelsea and i went back to jon's house while jon's mom went and got mike. chelsea and i raided jon's drawers and changed into dry pants and shirts (i took jon's star wars shirt! :D)
basically i ended up with spare change down jon's pants, and a katana two inches from my face while i was on the phone with alec. always fun.
yesterday was lame. a bunch of swimmers called me at like 10.30 asking weird questions. hahaha.
today we had plans but they didn't work out so i'm hanging out here.
i don't know whats going on, whoop whoop.
Monday, December 17, 2007
today's a snow day!
i'm sitting here drinking chamomile tea and being happy.
i plugged in the christmas lights they put around my room and even though the rest of the area is still in high school style disarray with textbooks and all sorts of things, its kind of nice to be here.
possible snowball fight tonight with jon, chelsea, mike, jp, bowen, ian, dom, vince, andrea? then back to jon's house after. we're working on it. it'll be cool. and even if chelsea and i don't get to go, we're all hanging out over break and watching movies and such.
i had some cool talks yesterday.
after graduation, we're taking a road trip and running away to an island and sleeping on the beaches and walking through the forests and watching the sunsets before we have to go back to college. it'll be nice. i'm looking forward to it :)
i finally sucked it up and talked to mike too, after jon threatened to "get me". it wasn't the most comfortable thing, but we're cool now and i feel better now that i'm not hiding from it.
jon's still on my case about other stuff, but whatever :D
two more days until we're free until january!
thank god the school system can be relatively sympathetic once in a while.
i still have some presents to get and wrap, but i have money this year and it's all good.
i'm looking forward to my new camera.
and we're missing the debate meet!
i'm out :D
i plugged in the christmas lights they put around my room and even though the rest of the area is still in high school style disarray with textbooks and all sorts of things, its kind of nice to be here.
possible snowball fight tonight with jon, chelsea, mike, jp, bowen, ian, dom, vince, andrea? then back to jon's house after. we're working on it. it'll be cool. and even if chelsea and i don't get to go, we're all hanging out over break and watching movies and such.
i had some cool talks yesterday.
after graduation, we're taking a road trip and running away to an island and sleeping on the beaches and walking through the forests and watching the sunsets before we have to go back to college. it'll be nice. i'm looking forward to it :)
i finally sucked it up and talked to mike too, after jon threatened to "get me". it wasn't the most comfortable thing, but we're cool now and i feel better now that i'm not hiding from it.
jon's still on my case about other stuff, but whatever :D
two more days until we're free until january!
thank god the school system can be relatively sympathetic once in a while.
i still have some presents to get and wrap, but i have money this year and it's all good.
i'm looking forward to my new camera.
and we're missing the debate meet!
i'm out :D
Sunday, December 16, 2007
ps.
i love talking to dan!
"me": except i think it'd be hard to pay attention in class knowing that mass chaos was going to erupt
"dan": if it was going to erupt, i would suggest not going to class
"me": except i think it'd be hard to pay attention in class knowing that mass chaos was going to erupt
"dan": if it was going to erupt, i would suggest not going to class
war is over, if you want it.
i'm finally in the christmas spirit! boy is it fun :)
now i'm rocking out to christmas music, courtesy of bert mccracken & the street drum corps!
it's pretty much more amazing than anything you'll hear on the christmas music radio station.
i had a fantastical weekend.
so fantastical, i have research for almost all of the bills for debate tomorrow, and i'm writing speeches, and i'm not even aggravated. much. but who cares, because we might not have school tomorrow, and break starts in three days!
sahana is laughing at me.
i drank so much hot cocoa this weekend at the holiday thing it's crazy. that and spiced cider. i love that stuff.
oh yeah, and this morning i went sledding in my pajamas :D always a fun experience, especially in like 6 to 9 inches of snow, depending on the spot on the ground. cold, but fun. my uncle is nuts for getting me to go out there. he was in like, flannel winter patterned pajamas too. and i had like, slippers and my coat and pajamas on. we're a crazy amazing family.
oh yeah, and alec & co. woke me up at a little past 12.30 last night calling me. four times. which i ignored, because i was in that sleep deprived state where when your phone is going off and you're cuddled up on top of a bunk bed with barely any cell reception and a tiny blanket and you're just getting started on sleep and your phone starts vibrating.
regardless, i was rewarded this morning with two lovely voicemails. one consisting of cheap trick playing surrender. AMAZING SONG, BY THE WAY.
and then the other one, bloodhound gang. the bad touch.
i'm not sure what to think of the fact that they decided to wake me up with those songs.
but yeah, i now have a voicemail of bloodhound gang being intensely sexual on my phone.
bahaha i love swim kids.
oh, and i have this area in my phone book on my cell that just goes "northville swim alex." "northville swim ryan." "northville swim tim". because people steal alec's phone and take my number and text me. this is why sahana and i receive phone calls of people (apparently tim) singing happy birthday to me while she's sleeping over.
DAN IS IMING ME WHOOP WHOOP
i haven't talked to him in ages :D
hahaha i am in such a good mood.
i plugged in the christmas lights in my room too.
i think i am addicted to alternative christmas music.
and talking to amazing people.
and procrastinating on debate.
i don't know what i'm doing for new years :o
and i think we're hanging out at jon's for much of break.
should be rad.
i'll stop hyperly rambling :D
now i'm rocking out to christmas music, courtesy of bert mccracken & the street drum corps!
it's pretty much more amazing than anything you'll hear on the christmas music radio station.
i had a fantastical weekend.
so fantastical, i have research for almost all of the bills for debate tomorrow, and i'm writing speeches, and i'm not even aggravated. much. but who cares, because we might not have school tomorrow, and break starts in three days!
sahana is laughing at me.
i drank so much hot cocoa this weekend at the holiday thing it's crazy. that and spiced cider. i love that stuff.
oh yeah, and this morning i went sledding in my pajamas :D always a fun experience, especially in like 6 to 9 inches of snow, depending on the spot on the ground. cold, but fun. my uncle is nuts for getting me to go out there. he was in like, flannel winter patterned pajamas too. and i had like, slippers and my coat and pajamas on. we're a crazy amazing family.
oh yeah, and alec & co. woke me up at a little past 12.30 last night calling me. four times. which i ignored, because i was in that sleep deprived state where when your phone is going off and you're cuddled up on top of a bunk bed with barely any cell reception and a tiny blanket and you're just getting started on sleep and your phone starts vibrating.
regardless, i was rewarded this morning with two lovely voicemails. one consisting of cheap trick playing surrender. AMAZING SONG, BY THE WAY.
and then the other one, bloodhound gang. the bad touch.
i'm not sure what to think of the fact that they decided to wake me up with those songs.
but yeah, i now have a voicemail of bloodhound gang being intensely sexual on my phone.
bahaha i love swim kids.
oh, and i have this area in my phone book on my cell that just goes "northville swim alex." "northville swim ryan." "northville swim tim". because people steal alec's phone and take my number and text me. this is why sahana and i receive phone calls of people (apparently tim) singing happy birthday to me while she's sleeping over.
DAN IS IMING ME WHOOP WHOOP
i haven't talked to him in ages :D
hahaha i am in such a good mood.
i plugged in the christmas lights in my room too.
i think i am addicted to alternative christmas music.
and talking to amazing people.
and procrastinating on debate.
i don't know what i'm doing for new years :o
and i think we're hanging out at jon's for much of break.
should be rad.
i'll stop hyperly rambling :D
Thursday, December 13, 2007
if i had my own world, i'd build you an empire.
let me feel you, carry you higher.
watch our words spread hope like fire.
secret crowds rise up and gather.
hear your voices sing back louder.
i had that song on repeat for about an hour today.
february twenty third! it's in that semi-confirmed now... i've mentioned it to my mom several times, and the fact that we have a ride with Jp. we just have to do the official discussion thing when i actually have some money at all to get a ticket with. but i'm excited. i love them too much.
today was not exactly the best day i've ever had. i sat through most of my hours in a stupor, wishing it was friday. world history was by far the best hour- a whole hour with a sub and a movie and absolutely no form of assignment. we were technically supposed to actually watch the video, but half the class blew that off anyways. i spent the hour writing in my journal to kind of keep me calm and relatively awake. we got the quizzes in math back; D-. it kind of pisses me off but at the same time i couldn't honestly give a flying fuck, it only bothers me because i know i'll get chewed out for it later.
and i did, when i got home and told my dad. i also told him that i wanted to go from accelerated algebra 2 to regular algebra 2 next semester, in hopes that maybe i can pull off better than a C+ and have more time to learn the subject material, but my dad basically blew up at me. long story short, there was a lot of pounding on the table, shouting, and some choice words thrown into the mix. apparently he won't let me go to regular classes, i just need to put more effort in and spend more time on math instead of talking to my friends online or hanging out on the weekends. etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. so after a through verbal assault from him that admittedly left me in tears, i went back to my room to resume the onslaught of homework that i'd been plugging away at since two thirty. and i actually just now finished most of it. nine thirty at night. that's six and a half hours of homework, if you count in that i spent a half hour eating dinner and getting yelled at by dad.
six and a half hours of homework.
honestly, i hate to admit it, but that's probably more than i've spent on homework in the past two weeks.
i'm almost positive of that fact. which is pretty bad, by my parents standards.
i didn't even write debate speeches- i have about half the cards i probably should, but i'll just have to wing it while proving to sherburne that i have at least a few citations that i can throw around so he won't be mad or dissapointed.
and i have to study for the chapter math test that i need to take after school tomorrow, but i am so braindead i don't even want to confront myself with thinking about that. i'll probably pull out my notes during world history and try to remember a vague amount of information. i probably won't do very good at it. so drop me down to a C, bleh. i don't think i can really muster the effort to memorize all of what i need for it at all.
and life... well, life is crazy.
i'm glad tomorrow is friday.
all weekend i'll be at howell nature center lodge with my mom's side of the family. and really bad cell phone service.
yeah, not so glad about that one.
but fencing should be rad. it's the tournament. i'm happy. i just wasted my entire night on homework and i don't want to go to bed.
my dad came in to talk to me after he blew up at me and i told him i didn't even want to go there. i don't want to start crying again when i'm trying to finish my work on the skeletal system, thanks. we'll have to talk later i guess. i haven't spoken a word to him since. my mom's seen me maybe five minutes total this evening?
i hate solving people's problems.
mostly, i hate thinking about my own. but right now, i do not want to sign off and go to bed.
so i won't.
watch our words spread hope like fire.
secret crowds rise up and gather.
hear your voices sing back louder.
i had that song on repeat for about an hour today.
february twenty third! it's in that semi-confirmed now... i've mentioned it to my mom several times, and the fact that we have a ride with Jp. we just have to do the official discussion thing when i actually have some money at all to get a ticket with. but i'm excited. i love them too much.
today was not exactly the best day i've ever had. i sat through most of my hours in a stupor, wishing it was friday. world history was by far the best hour- a whole hour with a sub and a movie and absolutely no form of assignment. we were technically supposed to actually watch the video, but half the class blew that off anyways. i spent the hour writing in my journal to kind of keep me calm and relatively awake. we got the quizzes in math back; D-. it kind of pisses me off but at the same time i couldn't honestly give a flying fuck, it only bothers me because i know i'll get chewed out for it later.
and i did, when i got home and told my dad. i also told him that i wanted to go from accelerated algebra 2 to regular algebra 2 next semester, in hopes that maybe i can pull off better than a C+ and have more time to learn the subject material, but my dad basically blew up at me. long story short, there was a lot of pounding on the table, shouting, and some choice words thrown into the mix. apparently he won't let me go to regular classes, i just need to put more effort in and spend more time on math instead of talking to my friends online or hanging out on the weekends. etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. so after a through verbal assault from him that admittedly left me in tears, i went back to my room to resume the onslaught of homework that i'd been plugging away at since two thirty. and i actually just now finished most of it. nine thirty at night. that's six and a half hours of homework, if you count in that i spent a half hour eating dinner and getting yelled at by dad.
six and a half hours of homework.
honestly, i hate to admit it, but that's probably more than i've spent on homework in the past two weeks.
i'm almost positive of that fact. which is pretty bad, by my parents standards.
i didn't even write debate speeches- i have about half the cards i probably should, but i'll just have to wing it while proving to sherburne that i have at least a few citations that i can throw around so he won't be mad or dissapointed.
and i have to study for the chapter math test that i need to take after school tomorrow, but i am so braindead i don't even want to confront myself with thinking about that. i'll probably pull out my notes during world history and try to remember a vague amount of information. i probably won't do very good at it. so drop me down to a C, bleh. i don't think i can really muster the effort to memorize all of what i need for it at all.
and life... well, life is crazy.
i'm glad tomorrow is friday.
all weekend i'll be at howell nature center lodge with my mom's side of the family. and really bad cell phone service.
yeah, not so glad about that one.
but fencing should be rad. it's the tournament. i'm happy. i just wasted my entire night on homework and i don't want to go to bed.
my dad came in to talk to me after he blew up at me and i told him i didn't even want to go there. i don't want to start crying again when i'm trying to finish my work on the skeletal system, thanks. we'll have to talk later i guess. i haven't spoken a word to him since. my mom's seen me maybe five minutes total this evening?
i hate solving people's problems.
mostly, i hate thinking about my own. but right now, i do not want to sign off and go to bed.
so i won't.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
vulnerable.
i hate homework
i have a lot of tests to make up
the top model finale makes me laugh.
people are so unusual.
sahana and i talked on the phone today. it was nice.
i miss how we used to spend hours just talking.
it was kind of funny.
you so did not call it!
i love you anyways.
i've discovered my hidden pyromanical tendencies.
i don't really want to put effort into debate but i should
i want it to be friday!
the weekend should be interesting.
five days until break
i'm not sure why i posted this!
i have a lot of tests to make up
the top model finale makes me laugh.
people are so unusual.
sahana and i talked on the phone today. it was nice.
i miss how we used to spend hours just talking.
it was kind of funny.
you so did not call it!
i love you anyways.
i've discovered my hidden pyromanical tendencies.
i don't really want to put effort into debate but i should
i want it to be friday!
the weekend should be interesting.
five days until break
i'm not sure why i posted this!
Monday, December 10, 2007
is it so strange
that i refused to put this song onto my ipod, because i didn't want to walk down the street listening to it and have reality ruin it?
second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning.
i kind of miss feeling like a kid, but not really. in one sense i miss being so innocent and still believing in magic and things under the stairs and thinking that anything was possible. but in another sense i'm glad i'm here, experiencing the things that i am, and learning from them.
at least, i hope i'm learning something from this insanity.
i'm counting down the days until i get my camera.
i don't care what you guys say, they're going to regret getting it for me. expect me to be constantly taking pictures of you.
i've missed being able to document everything.
i can't wait until i'm sixteen. in my mind my dad caved and gave me the beetle- i can kind of sense that he feels like he might give it to me, but i know he's worried i'd crash it or somehow screw it up, and he's been working on it since before i was born. but i can see me driving around in this old, faded turquoise volkswagon from 1964 or somewhere around that time frame. hippie car, much? :) a car like that deserves fresh flowers on the dashboard, cassettes in the stereo, and that greenpeace bumper sticker i've been saving. i feel like a huge dork for imagining that, but i want it so bad.
i cleaned my room up a little bit today. i keep rediscovering all these clothes that i bought at one point and then kind of gave up on trying to pull off. i actually like plenty of them now. i need to get back to caring about stuff. i've kind of boycotted shopping for clothes since before school started. i've been saving my money so this summer i can get stuff i want and actually wear it. i hate winter and how it forces all of us into sweaters and jeans and sneakers. maybe this summer will be different. i'm strongly considering giving up my boycott of shorts. i don't even really remember why i started it, except for the fact that i hate my legs. but whatever, i don't think i really care anymore. my mom lent me this old purse of hers. she thinks maybe she got it from grandmother. it's obnoxious and canvas and i like it.
i decided i think i want to get a job at the library. i can bike there when i work, and they're probably more flexible about hours and such. seeing as i'm really weird and can't work weekends because of the renaissance faire, and i have to take drivers ed. i'm kind of proud of myself that i might actually be doing things this summer. and warped could be cool, if we decide to go. it's gotten to the point where i'm allowed to go now, and i'm not sure if any of the bands are that great anymore. besides, i think we're seeing angels & airwaves in february if my mom will let me go (i'm pretty sure she will) and i'm looking forward to that so much.
i still haven't figured out what the hell i'm going to do to my hair. i have to redye it, and then i think i'm making the ends a kind of purplish color. i wish it weren't so straight. itd be nice if it were wavy, and then i wouldn't have to fool around with curling irons if i want it to look cute or anything. bleh. whatever. i'll figure it out eventually.
mom might not let me skip friday this week like she was originally going to. the plan was everyone was coming to my house (all the aunts and shannon and i) and we bake the christmas cookies for the holiday party at the lodge that's saturday and sunday. but i've already missed two days of school and if i missed friday for the cookies i would've only gone in two days out of the week. which i'm not complaining about, but i can see why she isn't too keen on letting me miss. where's her christmas spirit?
i got those notebooks i've been meaning to get and so i'm not sure why i write in this. i'm not even saying anything important like i am in the notebooks. ha. i'm pathetic :)
second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning.
i kind of miss feeling like a kid, but not really. in one sense i miss being so innocent and still believing in magic and things under the stairs and thinking that anything was possible. but in another sense i'm glad i'm here, experiencing the things that i am, and learning from them.
at least, i hope i'm learning something from this insanity.
i'm counting down the days until i get my camera.
i don't care what you guys say, they're going to regret getting it for me. expect me to be constantly taking pictures of you.
i've missed being able to document everything.
i can't wait until i'm sixteen. in my mind my dad caved and gave me the beetle- i can kind of sense that he feels like he might give it to me, but i know he's worried i'd crash it or somehow screw it up, and he's been working on it since before i was born. but i can see me driving around in this old, faded turquoise volkswagon from 1964 or somewhere around that time frame. hippie car, much? :) a car like that deserves fresh flowers on the dashboard, cassettes in the stereo, and that greenpeace bumper sticker i've been saving. i feel like a huge dork for imagining that, but i want it so bad.
i cleaned my room up a little bit today. i keep rediscovering all these clothes that i bought at one point and then kind of gave up on trying to pull off. i actually like plenty of them now. i need to get back to caring about stuff. i've kind of boycotted shopping for clothes since before school started. i've been saving my money so this summer i can get stuff i want and actually wear it. i hate winter and how it forces all of us into sweaters and jeans and sneakers. maybe this summer will be different. i'm strongly considering giving up my boycott of shorts. i don't even really remember why i started it, except for the fact that i hate my legs. but whatever, i don't think i really care anymore. my mom lent me this old purse of hers. she thinks maybe she got it from grandmother. it's obnoxious and canvas and i like it.
i decided i think i want to get a job at the library. i can bike there when i work, and they're probably more flexible about hours and such. seeing as i'm really weird and can't work weekends because of the renaissance faire, and i have to take drivers ed. i'm kind of proud of myself that i might actually be doing things this summer. and warped could be cool, if we decide to go. it's gotten to the point where i'm allowed to go now, and i'm not sure if any of the bands are that great anymore. besides, i think we're seeing angels & airwaves in february if my mom will let me go (i'm pretty sure she will) and i'm looking forward to that so much.
i still haven't figured out what the hell i'm going to do to my hair. i have to redye it, and then i think i'm making the ends a kind of purplish color. i wish it weren't so straight. itd be nice if it were wavy, and then i wouldn't have to fool around with curling irons if i want it to look cute or anything. bleh. whatever. i'll figure it out eventually.
mom might not let me skip friday this week like she was originally going to. the plan was everyone was coming to my house (all the aunts and shannon and i) and we bake the christmas cookies for the holiday party at the lodge that's saturday and sunday. but i've already missed two days of school and if i missed friday for the cookies i would've only gone in two days out of the week. which i'm not complaining about, but i can see why she isn't too keen on letting me miss. where's her christmas spirit?
i got those notebooks i've been meaning to get and so i'm not sure why i write in this. i'm not even saying anything important like i am in the notebooks. ha. i'm pathetic :)
Saturday, December 8, 2007
walking in a straight line,
i find it hilarious that i listened to this band on lastfm a few months ago and now they're blasting from the radio when i take a shower.
i think i'm sick. wow, gee, it was a great idea to go outside in 30 degree weather two days in a row for no reason.
hah. my throat's sore and i'm all runny-nosed, lethargic and just sick feeling. maybe i'll get worse and get lucky and get monday off, or something astounding like that.
turns out there's another week of fencing anyways. cool. if doug makes me referee this one i'm bolting to mexico. people would stomp nick and i if we tried to ref the class tournament.
erik came back! that pretty much made my week :] i gave him a bunch of hugs. i love that kid so much. i hadn't seen him since june D:
uh yeah. SEA thing today was lame. bonus, i got the new notebooks i've been lusting after. and a raspberry green tea jones that i enjoyed with lauren. so i spent this afternoon writing the stuff i don't feel like posting on here for whatever personal reason, and listening to the postal service.
one and a half weeks until break.
next weekend is the family christmas thing at howell nature center; aka. i won't be online all weekend and instead will be chilling with the entire moms side of my family with nothing but my journal, my sanity, and terrible cell phone signal.
good lord.
and the last week of fencing until january. bleh.
i'm off to go crash in my sick and weakened state.
night :]
i think i'm sick. wow, gee, it was a great idea to go outside in 30 degree weather two days in a row for no reason.
hah. my throat's sore and i'm all runny-nosed, lethargic and just sick feeling. maybe i'll get worse and get lucky and get monday off, or something astounding like that.
turns out there's another week of fencing anyways. cool. if doug makes me referee this one i'm bolting to mexico. people would stomp nick and i if we tried to ref the class tournament.
erik came back! that pretty much made my week :] i gave him a bunch of hugs. i love that kid so much. i hadn't seen him since june D:
uh yeah. SEA thing today was lame. bonus, i got the new notebooks i've been lusting after. and a raspberry green tea jones that i enjoyed with lauren. so i spent this afternoon writing the stuff i don't feel like posting on here for whatever personal reason, and listening to the postal service.
one and a half weeks until break.
next weekend is the family christmas thing at howell nature center; aka. i won't be online all weekend and instead will be chilling with the entire moms side of my family with nothing but my journal, my sanity, and terrible cell phone signal.
good lord.
and the last week of fencing until january. bleh.
i'm off to go crash in my sick and weakened state.
night :]
Friday, December 7, 2007
you know you want friends like these.
Brian: Hey!
Elise Thompson: hey!
Brian: Kill anyone recently that I don't know about
Elise Thompson: haha, if i killed anyone you'd probably be one of the first to hear about it
you?
Brian:Yeah
Brian: This guy was like, "hey you wanna buy some drugs?'
Brian: So I said, "FUCK NO"
Brian: And then stabbed him
Elise Thompson: damn
Elise Thompson: i'm proud of you
Elise Thompson:tell me you used the ultracool roman sword?
Brian: No, I didn't have it on me
Brian: I just used my knife
Brian:You know what I really love
Brian: ?
Elise Thompson: what?
Brian: Is how we can talk about this and be completely serious
Elise Thompson: i know, right
Elise Thompson: this killing business is some crazy shit
Brian: I know
Elise Thompson: not to mention it's bloody and obnoxious
Brian: I know
Brian: Its so annoying
Elise Thompson: god
Elise Thompson: it's such a pain too
Brian: The whole blood thing, to clean it all up
Elise Thompson: then you have to clean your weapon all over again
Elise Thompson: god
Brian: Yeah I know
Brian: Its so annoying
Elise Thompson: they need to invent like blood removing stuff
Brian: God, this one time I just broke someone's neck with a crowbar, now that was an easy clean-up
Elise Thompson: yeah, it's so much easier that way
Elise Thompson:stabbing's just such a hassle
Elise Thompson: gunshots too
Brian:Yeah
Brian: Well, I actually have to go lol
Elise Thompson: lol x] alright
Brian: So happy to talk to you, but see ya
Elise Thompson: i'm glad we could have this talk
Elise Thompson: bye!
Brian: Bye :)
ahaha.
Elise Thompson: hey!
Brian: Kill anyone recently that I don't know about
Elise Thompson: haha, if i killed anyone you'd probably be one of the first to hear about it
you?
Brian:Yeah
Brian: This guy was like, "hey you wanna buy some drugs?'
Brian: So I said, "FUCK NO"
Brian: And then stabbed him
Elise Thompson: damn
Elise Thompson: i'm proud of you
Elise Thompson:tell me you used the ultracool roman sword?
Brian: No, I didn't have it on me
Brian: I just used my knife
Brian:You know what I really love
Brian: ?
Elise Thompson: what?
Brian: Is how we can talk about this and be completely serious
Elise Thompson: i know, right
Elise Thompson: this killing business is some crazy shit
Brian: I know
Elise Thompson: not to mention it's bloody and obnoxious
Brian: I know
Brian: Its so annoying
Elise Thompson: god
Elise Thompson: it's such a pain too
Brian: The whole blood thing, to clean it all up
Elise Thompson: then you have to clean your weapon all over again
Elise Thompson: god
Brian: Yeah I know
Brian: Its so annoying
Elise Thompson: they need to invent like blood removing stuff
Brian: God, this one time I just broke someone's neck with a crowbar, now that was an easy clean-up
Elise Thompson: yeah, it's so much easier that way
Elise Thompson:stabbing's just such a hassle
Elise Thompson: gunshots too
Brian:Yeah
Brian: Well, I actually have to go lol
Elise Thompson: lol x] alright
Brian: So happy to talk to you, but see ya
Elise Thompson: i'm glad we could have this talk
Elise Thompson: bye!
Brian: Bye :)
ahaha.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
i need you here tonight just like the ocean needs the waves.
ahh i'm ready for the weekend to be here.
in a big way.
cool. my gpa realization actually has me slacking off MORE than i did with a 3.8 or whatever i had. it's lame.
my day was boring.
biology class is getting more and more sexual every day. somehow we ended up talking about sorority houses, synchronized menstruation, and whale rape?
hey. it was funny. i still have no clue about the nervous system, but who needs that when you have, uh... whale rape.
ugh ugh ugh.
apparently jon and chelsea and jp and i are going to go see angels & airwaves?
it'll rule :]
except i'm going to get stuck riding shotgun again. blehh. lol. jon already called the backseat with chelsea x]
in a big way.
cool. my gpa realization actually has me slacking off MORE than i did with a 3.8 or whatever i had. it's lame.
my day was boring.
biology class is getting more and more sexual every day. somehow we ended up talking about sorority houses, synchronized menstruation, and whale rape?
hey. it was funny. i still have no clue about the nervous system, but who needs that when you have, uh... whale rape.
ugh ugh ugh.
apparently jon and chelsea and jp and i are going to go see angels & airwaves?
it'll rule :]
except i'm going to get stuck riding shotgun again. blehh. lol. jon already called the backseat with chelsea x]
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
:D
my day was just completely made.
angels and airwaves are coming to town in february, on a saturday night
my mom's cool with me going
and they're tied for my favorite band with the matches
THIS IS AWESOME
seeing as i missed their november show... it was a school night, psh.
but i can pretty much go already, since it's not a school night
and it's not too far away
and this just thrills me to no end.
i finally am probably going to go see them live <3
my life will be complete.
angels and airwaves are coming to town in february, on a saturday night
my mom's cool with me going
and they're tied for my favorite band with the matches
THIS IS AWESOME
seeing as i missed their november show... it was a school night, psh.
but i can pretty much go already, since it's not a school night
and it's not too far away
and this just thrills me to no end.
i finally am probably going to go see them live <3
my life will be complete.
hey, administration:
eat shit.
i have a 4.0 gpa with a C+ in algebra 2
and no real effort ever exerted.
oh, and with another 2 percent in spanish, i'll have OVER a four point.
and if i ever up that math grade, i'll be seriously kicking ass.
ahaha.
guess this means i have no life now, according to mike?
7:19:04 PM Mike: i cme to a conclusion that anyone who has a 4.0 eather has no life whatsoever or there cheeting the system lol
coooooooooool.
i'll have to tell him that.
i have a 4.0 gpa with a C+ in algebra 2
and no real effort ever exerted.
oh, and with another 2 percent in spanish, i'll have OVER a four point.
and if i ever up that math grade, i'll be seriously kicking ass.
ahaha.
guess this means i have no life now, according to mike?
7:19:04 PM Mike: i cme to a conclusion that anyone who has a 4.0 eather has no life whatsoever or there cheeting the system lol
coooooooooool.
i'll have to tell him that.
Monday, December 3, 2007
and you want to be dressed in poetry, but imagery doesn't fit.
i plugged my ipod into my laptop again so i can listen to more than like the hundred or so songs saved on my computer. i have something like two thousand on the ipod that i haven't bothered to transfer to my new itunes. whatever. so i'm listening to all sorts of cool things i've been ignoring for a while :)
i like how when i sit down and do my homework, i feel so accomplished. i think that could be a bad sign. but i hate how i can let myself go and still have 5 as and a c+. sure, i'm happy i can get away with pretty much doing nothing, but eventually i'll have to start working. what a pain.
things are cool, i suppose. nothing really bad is happening, it's just the same old drudgery. though i have to admit there are a few things i'll be interested in seeing how they shake out. however, i'm damn happy for jon. i know he wanted this :) and i'm pretty sure chelsea isn't objecting to any of it. it's nice seeing them happy.
haha. it just makes me laugh how i can be so afraid of commitment yet feel so comfortable with some people. but anything with relationships just freaks me out. i don't even think commitment is the right word for it... it's just anything that involves me being someone's girlfriend or whatever just doesn't work out mentally. who knows. i'll fix it when i need to.
i'm not moving :) hurrah. thank god. i was so shaken up about that.
17 days until christmas break. i already can't wait.
my sister has apparently found my angels and airwaves cd and she's blasting it in the kitchen. coool. i wouldn't normally mind, but it's just the fact that it's angels & airwaves and she probably can't even comprehend most of the meaning behind it and that irks me. that reminds me, once i actually stop being broke, it might be a good idea to buy their new cd.
i basically figured out that my summer is going to be me trying to get a job and work so i can save up money for a car/gas money so i don't have to work during the school year, taking drivers ed, and working at the renfest. and probably hanging out with jon & co. wayy too much. and probably buying/making too many new clothes and going to shows.
hell. i might have a life this summer :D
D:
sounds fun, yet not necessarily productive.
oh, yeah. and i might actually get off my ass if i have time and work out.
whoop whoop :]
i want it to be breakkk.
or, you know, june.
i like how when i sit down and do my homework, i feel so accomplished. i think that could be a bad sign. but i hate how i can let myself go and still have 5 as and a c+. sure, i'm happy i can get away with pretty much doing nothing, but eventually i'll have to start working. what a pain.
things are cool, i suppose. nothing really bad is happening, it's just the same old drudgery. though i have to admit there are a few things i'll be interested in seeing how they shake out. however, i'm damn happy for jon. i know he wanted this :) and i'm pretty sure chelsea isn't objecting to any of it. it's nice seeing them happy.
haha. it just makes me laugh how i can be so afraid of commitment yet feel so comfortable with some people. but anything with relationships just freaks me out. i don't even think commitment is the right word for it... it's just anything that involves me being someone's girlfriend or whatever just doesn't work out mentally. who knows. i'll fix it when i need to.
i'm not moving :) hurrah. thank god. i was so shaken up about that.
17 days until christmas break. i already can't wait.
my sister has apparently found my angels and airwaves cd and she's blasting it in the kitchen. coool. i wouldn't normally mind, but it's just the fact that it's angels & airwaves and she probably can't even comprehend most of the meaning behind it and that irks me. that reminds me, once i actually stop being broke, it might be a good idea to buy their new cd.
i basically figured out that my summer is going to be me trying to get a job and work so i can save up money for a car/gas money so i don't have to work during the school year, taking drivers ed, and working at the renfest. and probably hanging out with jon & co. wayy too much. and probably buying/making too many new clothes and going to shows.
hell. i might have a life this summer :D
D:
sounds fun, yet not necessarily productive.
oh, yeah. and i might actually get off my ass if i have time and work out.
whoop whoop :]
i want it to be breakkk.
or, you know, june.
Friday, November 30, 2007
this is the first day of my life.
maybe not, but bright eyes still makes me smile.
today was a better day. a lot better. it still pissed me off when they tried to tell me what fucking career i should have, when we did that thing in world history. hah. it said i should do something in the arts.
tell me what i already know...
ahaha. i'm totally visiting jon in his shitty apartment after he graduates. and amanda and i are bringing him food if he lets us crash there.
i need to get a job this summer so i can get a car!
job = car = freedom.
but i can see myself being some disgustingly grungy art kid who always reeks of spray paint and always makes their own clothes and stuff. i'd love doing that. even if it never paid good. who cares about money when you don't shower?
:)
but other than, you know, the administration being dipshits, my day was pretty cool.
they will always be pricks anyways, you just get used to them losing your test scores and stuff like that. cooooool.
four as, an a-, a c+
i do damn good for not giving a flying fuck!
lol. still making my parents proud as ever.
i wonder if i will ever meet a guy who can dance like axl rose.
god i hope so :]
i would totally give him a hug.
and be friends with him for life.
i know what i'm getting for christmas
mainly because my parents asked me if i was sure i wanted it, because it didn't fit in the pocket as easily.
canon powershot a560 :)
it's pretty high tech too, so i'll have to make sure to not, you know, dropkick it... goddamn, you guys :D
seriously. it's got like, face recognition and red eye reduction and it's fantastical.
ahhh i am so excited i'll finally be able to capture everything again. i'm so looking forward to it.
i'll probably spend all christmas break hanging out with people and taking soooo manyyy pictures of them.
serves them right.
:D
fencing tonight
& sahana and i are doing her tree tomorrow, then movie nighting at my house :)
lame christmas music, yay!
and probably like, junk food too.
and hot cocoa.
ahhh i totally needed this :) i had a shitty week
and it's getting better.
ican'twaitforbreak.
i can't wait for my CAMERA.
i can't wait to party like, all christmas season.
it should be awesome.
anyone up for sledding/ hot cocoa/ movies at my house one of the days?
i think i actually want to start hanging out with people.
we might get "varsity stage crew" shirts :D
black with neon blue lettering? ahhh we better talk about it and order them.
adios!
today was a better day. a lot better. it still pissed me off when they tried to tell me what fucking career i should have, when we did that thing in world history. hah. it said i should do something in the arts.
tell me what i already know...
ahaha. i'm totally visiting jon in his shitty apartment after he graduates. and amanda and i are bringing him food if he lets us crash there.
i need to get a job this summer so i can get a car!
job = car = freedom.
but i can see myself being some disgustingly grungy art kid who always reeks of spray paint and always makes their own clothes and stuff. i'd love doing that. even if it never paid good. who cares about money when you don't shower?
:)
but other than, you know, the administration being dipshits, my day was pretty cool.
they will always be pricks anyways, you just get used to them losing your test scores and stuff like that. cooooool.
four as, an a-, a c+
i do damn good for not giving a flying fuck!
lol. still making my parents proud as ever.
i wonder if i will ever meet a guy who can dance like axl rose.
god i hope so :]
i would totally give him a hug.
and be friends with him for life.
i know what i'm getting for christmas
mainly because my parents asked me if i was sure i wanted it, because it didn't fit in the pocket as easily.
canon powershot a560 :)
it's pretty high tech too, so i'll have to make sure to not, you know, dropkick it... goddamn, you guys :D
seriously. it's got like, face recognition and red eye reduction and it's fantastical.
ahhh i am so excited i'll finally be able to capture everything again. i'm so looking forward to it.
i'll probably spend all christmas break hanging out with people and taking soooo manyyy pictures of them.
serves them right.
:D
fencing tonight
& sahana and i are doing her tree tomorrow, then movie nighting at my house :)
lame christmas music, yay!
and probably like, junk food too.
and hot cocoa.
ahhh i totally needed this :) i had a shitty week
and it's getting better.
ican'twaitforbreak.
i can't wait for my CAMERA.
i can't wait to party like, all christmas season.
it should be awesome.
anyone up for sledding/ hot cocoa/ movies at my house one of the days?
i think i actually want to start hanging out with people.
we might get "varsity stage crew" shirts :D
black with neon blue lettering? ahhh we better talk about it and order them.
adios!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
i don't know who you are anymore.
i dreamed about you last night.
i never dream, not that i can remember.
it was only right then. not in reality. not now.
i stayed home "sick". i needed a day off. i don't think i'll ever be ready for that math test, i don't care.
ps. i don't even know if you care about me anymore.
nothing gold can stay, right?
i wish it was like it used to be.
oh, and you.
stop invading everything i do and stop taking everything i have for my own. it's not your right.
i shouldn't say that. it's unfair.
alec and i don't talk the same anymore.
fuck.
i never dream, not that i can remember.
it was only right then. not in reality. not now.
i stayed home "sick". i needed a day off. i don't think i'll ever be ready for that math test, i don't care.
ps. i don't even know if you care about me anymore.
nothing gold can stay, right?
i wish it was like it used to be.
oh, and you.
stop invading everything i do and stop taking everything i have for my own. it's not your right.
i shouldn't say that. it's unfair.
alec and i don't talk the same anymore.
fuck.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
breathe, hit repeat.
i think it's absurd that my favorite part of this song is the beginning before there's any singing or anything that makes the usual music, music. it's just electronic noises and i love it.
"i listen to music that tells how i feel."
you and me both. you seemed so smart compared to what i've seen you to be.
when you take away everyone else, and leave just us and the night,
you had a different side of you.
i'm sorry?
i don't know what i'm really apologizing for. but i'm just sorry in general.
i've let too many people down.
my procrastination's getting worse. i have an algebra two quiz tomorrow, i can't bring myself to care about it.
honestly. i haven't even cracked my notes. i didn't even look at the review worksheet she gave us in class, i did the biology i was too apathetic to do last night.
i gave myself things to do instead of study, but none of it was even close to important. i wasted about two hours straightening my hair, cutting it, straightening it again, curling it. then i did all of my makeup again, even when no one was going to see me.
i look better now than i have for the past week, and all i feel is like a complete failure because even now as i'm typing this, my folder is less than a yard away. i could shut off my computer, get my calculator, and do the problems i was supposed to do.
am i? no. i'll end up studying in world history, disrespecting mr. barker.
i don't know where i'm going anymore.
my mom asked me today if i was okay. i shrugged her off.
i wish i could talk to her and tell her that i'm not happy, that i don't understand why things are the way they are for me and why things keep having to change and hurt.
i know she'd understand
i think i just don't want to admit to myself that i need someone.
at some level i think i know.
i was going to tell you something important, and you cut me off.
and you, i tried to tell you something. you didn't even catch the sadness in my tone.
these are not aimed at you.
i never used to be this sensitive.
i don't get to close for a reason. it hurts less.
now, even a little bit, i'm more attached.
i have friends (?), activities, mindless classes to fill my day with. things are planned out.
and though i might not be fully content, i'm used to them.
i don't know where this is heading.
press repeat.
"i listen to music that tells how i feel."
you and me both. you seemed so smart compared to what i've seen you to be.
when you take away everyone else, and leave just us and the night,
you had a different side of you.
i'm sorry?
i don't know what i'm really apologizing for. but i'm just sorry in general.
i've let too many people down.
my procrastination's getting worse. i have an algebra two quiz tomorrow, i can't bring myself to care about it.
honestly. i haven't even cracked my notes. i didn't even look at the review worksheet she gave us in class, i did the biology i was too apathetic to do last night.
i gave myself things to do instead of study, but none of it was even close to important. i wasted about two hours straightening my hair, cutting it, straightening it again, curling it. then i did all of my makeup again, even when no one was going to see me.
i look better now than i have for the past week, and all i feel is like a complete failure because even now as i'm typing this, my folder is less than a yard away. i could shut off my computer, get my calculator, and do the problems i was supposed to do.
am i? no. i'll end up studying in world history, disrespecting mr. barker.
i don't know where i'm going anymore.
my mom asked me today if i was okay. i shrugged her off.
i wish i could talk to her and tell her that i'm not happy, that i don't understand why things are the way they are for me and why things keep having to change and hurt.
i know she'd understand
i think i just don't want to admit to myself that i need someone.
at some level i think i know.
i was going to tell you something important, and you cut me off.
and you, i tried to tell you something. you didn't even catch the sadness in my tone.
these are not aimed at you.
i never used to be this sensitive.
i don't get to close for a reason. it hurts less.
now, even a little bit, i'm more attached.
i have friends (?), activities, mindless classes to fill my day with. things are planned out.
and though i might not be fully content, i'm used to them.
i don't know where this is heading.
press repeat.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
the trip to kalamazoo
made me remember a few moments from the ride with jp & jon x)
jon: "why do YOU get shotgun?"
me: "..... because i have boobs."
jp: "yeah!"
jon: "JP! JP! you're not on the ROAD!"
jp: "*turning wheel* shit, that's the shoulder."
*after jp turns onto the exit and hits the curb and sends jon and i slamming into the side of the car*
jp: "i think i turned a little too late."
just found that a little bit amusing
that car ride should've killed us all x)
jon: "why do YOU get shotgun?"
me: "..... because i have boobs."
jp: "yeah!"
jon: "JP! JP! you're not on the ROAD!"
jp: "*turning wheel* shit, that's the shoulder."
*after jp turns onto the exit and hits the curb and sends jon and i slamming into the side of the car*
jp: "i think i turned a little too late."
just found that a little bit amusing
that car ride should've killed us all x)
Thursday, November 22, 2007
i'd swim the ocean for you
i like metro station. they're cute and they make me feel just... nice.
i've been having such a good time, i had to stop and slow down and think about everything.
i wish there was a way to develop all the pictures from my mind.
i would've liked to have them, in case i end up getting dragged miles away from here to a new "home."
it's selfish of me to say that this will still be my real home, regardless of where i end up, because i'm sure i'll assimilate eventually.
but there are some moments i think it'd be fun to have snapshots in, so i won't forget.
it's freezing outside, and i don't like it, but i do.
to tell you the truth, i liked it when we were driving with the windows down because the rain was fogging them up
it was raining inside, on me, and the cold air was making me shake
but it just felt like being there on that highway was somewhere i should be.
like i'm finally breaking out of my shell where i'm not afraid to do things now
i mean, i went to a show in detroit with two guys who were two and three years my senior
a year ago, i would've never gone
i'm trying to decide if that's a good thing or if i'm just taking too many risks
ohh i've just always been afraid to do something with my life.
people keep wanting to hang out
i don't want to get too close now, in case it happens
i can't let this cloud of not knowing just hang over me like this
strangely, i'm not even sad right now.
just, thinking. and wondering. and waiting for next week, i suppose, when dad talks to the guy at work and basically determines the rest of my high school life.
i think it'd be nice to be an artist, if i had more talent. photography, i think.
more excuses to capture every moment.
i've been having such a good time, i had to stop and slow down and think about everything.
i wish there was a way to develop all the pictures from my mind.
i would've liked to have them, in case i end up getting dragged miles away from here to a new "home."
it's selfish of me to say that this will still be my real home, regardless of where i end up, because i'm sure i'll assimilate eventually.
but there are some moments i think it'd be fun to have snapshots in, so i won't forget.
it's freezing outside, and i don't like it, but i do.
to tell you the truth, i liked it when we were driving with the windows down because the rain was fogging them up
it was raining inside, on me, and the cold air was making me shake
but it just felt like being there on that highway was somewhere i should be.
like i'm finally breaking out of my shell where i'm not afraid to do things now
i mean, i went to a show in detroit with two guys who were two and three years my senior
a year ago, i would've never gone
i'm trying to decide if that's a good thing or if i'm just taking too many risks
ohh i've just always been afraid to do something with my life.
people keep wanting to hang out
i don't want to get too close now, in case it happens
i can't let this cloud of not knowing just hang over me like this
strangely, i'm not even sad right now.
just, thinking. and wondering. and waiting for next week, i suppose, when dad talks to the guy at work and basically determines the rest of my high school life.
i think it'd be nice to be an artist, if i had more talent. photography, i think.
more excuses to capture every moment.
ironic how
last nights concert was on november 21st, exactly a year since my first concert. what's up with me and day before thanksgiving shows?
anyways. i'm wiped. i slept in till noon and i could go back to bed right now and sleep another couple hours, no problem.
i was so hyper the whole school day i was seriously shaking for part of it
jp and i were texting like all of spanish
i think mrs. dyer knew but didnt even want to bother yelling at me
and i didn't even have much caffiene. people probably thought i was on speed.
i got home like 20 minutes before jp showed up at my house because i had to walk home in the rain
so i fixed my hair from the rain, did my makeup, ate my dinner in about 30 seconds flat, and then was ready to go.
my mom wasn't even home when i left
so jp and nathan just came up to the door, my dad shook their hands, said "nice to meet you both", i gave him a hug goodbye, told him i'd call him when we were leaving to get home, and we were offf to go get jon.
it wasn't even awkward at alllll :] which was cool.
we pulled up at jons, turned up the music all the way and basically blasted him out of the house with the bass
then at the gas station nathan got in a car with some of his other friends who were going so it was just me and jp and jon
we went off the wrong exit and almost killed ourselves going off the curb because he turned almost too late
and we ended up getting lost in detroit with it like pouring rain
and he blew like three red lights
"oh shit! i didn't see that in time so i couldn't stop... so my only way to fix that was to speed up!"
but jp knew where we were somehow so we managed to find our way to the state theatre
i think most of the reason why he's such a crazy driver
is because of how completely distracted he gets, like texting and driving or tickling and driving or being turned around talking to someone in the backseat while driving...
or because jon was like, kicking him in the back of the head too.
who knows x)
parked in the garage, found the elevator, and then jon and jp picked me up and were threatning to carry me into the elevator like that
but it was broken so we jumped down like three sets of stairs and found nathan because we had his ticket.
got in, found the people from the other car
one of the girls has a picture of jp and jon and i on her camera
i hope she sends it to jp, cause it was really funny
someone had a cup of ice
jp: "want to play a game? you pass the ice.... with your tongue."
coooooool.
so we got to the middle of the crowd for metro station.
and the show was amazing
we got grabbed and squished and really sweaty
but we were like two people from the stage for anberlin and mae, and the singer for anberlin came out and was leaning out into the crowd like right on top of us
jealous muchh? :)
by the time motion city soundtrack came on we like could barely move except for when we almost fell over because of the crowd pushing us forwards or backwards
we were like two from the stage for about three songs
then jon and i backed up to the back of the crowd and he boosted me up and i crowdsurfed across the entire pit right up to the barrier and it was amazing :DDDD
no one dropped me or anything but it was nuts
security grabbed me of course and put me down but i lost my balance and almost fell onto the stage when they were playing, but another security guy grabbed me so i didnt tip over all the way
and then jon crowdsurfed up after me and almost lost his shoe but got it back
so we met up at the back and then went in again and moshed
some guy punched me in the face like right below my eye on accident x) and was like "ohmygod i'm so sorry!"
i'm just mad it didn't bruise, because that would've been really funny.
so we were in the middle for a lot of the set, then for like the last two songs we found jp and nathan at the back of the crowd and stood with them.
justin pierre: "i hope you all brought condoms, cause you're getting FUCKED tonight!"
ahaha. he was really funny.
and they even played capital h, which almost basically made me life
so we danced around to that and everything.
when we finally got out of there past the people handing out flyers and such
(i got 8 mae stickers, hahah. they just handed me like a stack)
we found the car, got out of there, then figured we had like 4 bucks between the three of us, and we were all dying
so we got onto the highway, etc, made it to livonia, and found a burger king
and got the biggest coke we could and the biggest fries we could
at like, 11.30 at night because we were so hungry and dehydrated
and then we dropped jon off, then jp took me home and dropped me off.
by then it was pretty close to midnight
got home and my dad was up waiting for me
so i told him about it, texted a couple people who'd messaged me and i hadn't responded to
and then crashed
and didn't wake up until noon today :D
now i'm really tired
and exhausted
but it was amazingly fun :DDD
anyways. i'm wiped. i slept in till noon and i could go back to bed right now and sleep another couple hours, no problem.
i was so hyper the whole school day i was seriously shaking for part of it
jp and i were texting like all of spanish
i think mrs. dyer knew but didnt even want to bother yelling at me
and i didn't even have much caffiene. people probably thought i was on speed.
i got home like 20 minutes before jp showed up at my house because i had to walk home in the rain
so i fixed my hair from the rain, did my makeup, ate my dinner in about 30 seconds flat, and then was ready to go.
my mom wasn't even home when i left
so jp and nathan just came up to the door, my dad shook their hands, said "nice to meet you both", i gave him a hug goodbye, told him i'd call him when we were leaving to get home, and we were offf to go get jon.
it wasn't even awkward at alllll :] which was cool.
we pulled up at jons, turned up the music all the way and basically blasted him out of the house with the bass
then at the gas station nathan got in a car with some of his other friends who were going so it was just me and jp and jon
we went off the wrong exit and almost killed ourselves going off the curb because he turned almost too late
and we ended up getting lost in detroit with it like pouring rain
and he blew like three red lights
"oh shit! i didn't see that in time so i couldn't stop... so my only way to fix that was to speed up!"
but jp knew where we were somehow so we managed to find our way to the state theatre
i think most of the reason why he's such a crazy driver
is because of how completely distracted he gets, like texting and driving or tickling and driving or being turned around talking to someone in the backseat while driving...
or because jon was like, kicking him in the back of the head too.
who knows x)
parked in the garage, found the elevator, and then jon and jp picked me up and were threatning to carry me into the elevator like that
but it was broken so we jumped down like three sets of stairs and found nathan because we had his ticket.
got in, found the people from the other car
one of the girls has a picture of jp and jon and i on her camera
i hope she sends it to jp, cause it was really funny
someone had a cup of ice
jp: "want to play a game? you pass the ice.... with your tongue."
coooooool.
so we got to the middle of the crowd for metro station.
and the show was amazing
we got grabbed and squished and really sweaty
but we were like two people from the stage for anberlin and mae, and the singer for anberlin came out and was leaning out into the crowd like right on top of us
jealous muchh? :)
by the time motion city soundtrack came on we like could barely move except for when we almost fell over because of the crowd pushing us forwards or backwards
we were like two from the stage for about three songs
then jon and i backed up to the back of the crowd and he boosted me up and i crowdsurfed across the entire pit right up to the barrier and it was amazing :DDDD
no one dropped me or anything but it was nuts
security grabbed me of course and put me down but i lost my balance and almost fell onto the stage when they were playing, but another security guy grabbed me so i didnt tip over all the way
and then jon crowdsurfed up after me and almost lost his shoe but got it back
so we met up at the back and then went in again and moshed
some guy punched me in the face like right below my eye on accident x) and was like "ohmygod i'm so sorry!"
i'm just mad it didn't bruise, because that would've been really funny.
so we were in the middle for a lot of the set, then for like the last two songs we found jp and nathan at the back of the crowd and stood with them.
justin pierre: "i hope you all brought condoms, cause you're getting FUCKED tonight!"
ahaha. he was really funny.
and they even played capital h, which almost basically made me life
so we danced around to that and everything.
when we finally got out of there past the people handing out flyers and such
(i got 8 mae stickers, hahah. they just handed me like a stack)
we found the car, got out of there, then figured we had like 4 bucks between the three of us, and we were all dying
so we got onto the highway, etc, made it to livonia, and found a burger king
and got the biggest coke we could and the biggest fries we could
at like, 11.30 at night because we were so hungry and dehydrated
and then we dropped jon off, then jp took me home and dropped me off.
by then it was pretty close to midnight
got home and my dad was up waiting for me
so i told him about it, texted a couple people who'd messaged me and i hadn't responded to
and then crashed
and didn't wake up until noon today :D
now i'm really tired
and exhausted
but it was amazingly fun :DDD
Sunday, November 18, 2007
goddamn.
i apologize in advance for going over the 10 people limit, but there are a hell of a lot more than 10 people i could say things to right now.
1. natalie taylor.
i read what you wrote. i've been reading what you've been writing all summer. and i never guessed. did i write you off? i'm not one to judge, maybe, but hearing what you've been thinking made me feel like i deserved a punch in the face. more than one punch. i know there's not a way i can rectify this to make you ever feel the same about me again, because i'll admit right now i fucked up. this won't set things straight, but i feel like the only way to explain why i did what i did is how i got dropped into stevenson already feeling like i wasn't good enough for you guys. i didn't make it in with the smart kids, and then i never quite got everything. is it dumb that you made me feel so ordinary? you're eclectic and original and i envy that. i can't explain the distance between us, and i don't expect you to welcome me with open arms because we both know we can't go back. but i'd like to leave things at least neutral, so i don't feel like i'm constantly aggravating you.
2. sahana.
we don't talk as much as we used to. we're both quite concious of this, i'm sure. but i think it's made us that much stronger of friends, that we can go on not always constantly in touch, and still have a good time when we're together. i'm sorry i haven't always told you everything, and i'm trying to reconcile that. i always feel so bad for you when you tell me about all the drama you've gotten dumped in but at the same time i'm almost glad i'm not there with you. it's nice to be objective without having already taken a side. nine years and still going, you're a great person and friend.
3. kayleigh.
honestly, i haven't had a conversation with you since before school started. and honestly, i'm glad you're happier with tam and allison and them. you had such dreams about the people you'd meet in stevenson, and i hope you meet them all. i don't know if i miss us or not, but maybe when i run into you again junior or senior year, we'll still be able to talk if we're not too different.
4. carl.
i haven't talked to you that much, either. getting that text from you made me feel like i at least did something right to help you, even if it was at midnight. we've caused each other some pain in the past years, but i'm still glad to say i got to spend time with you when i did.
5. brian.
i really, truly love talking to you. i'm glad i met you when travis brought you to the renfest. i'm glad i didn't blow you off as a dork, even if you are dorky :) i'm glad we still talk and it hasn't died out. i'm glad i could give you advice, and i'm glad that you'd come save me in case of a zombie attack. you're such a good person, even if you don't always admit it to yourself. even if we never get to see each other (i've seen you for about what, five minutes since that day in july?) this summer will be awesome. thanks for cheering me up when i needed it. i'll always try to do the same for you.
6. nathan corliss.
honestly, meeting you was the most random thing ever. we met at saturday crew because mr. corliss had left you there to "supervise" us until he came back. and we ended up talking about books, and i lent you trainspotting. then we talked about that on facebook. and now, we talk pretty regularly. you're a fascinating person. i don't mind that you talk about yourself. and you're more intelligent than you willingly give yourself credit for. thank you for making me feel like things will work out, regardless of whether i move or not. and thank you for making me feel like what i say actually means something. you're a great guy.
7. natalie cote.
dear god, i haven't talked to you in too long. i probably should've talked to you, too. i'm sorry i wasn't really there when everything with you and ethan was going on. i still have no idea what "side" i'm on. you're fantastic. don't lose it.
8. alec.
i don't know how we put up with each other. i'm glad the way things worked out the way they did :] you have no idea how much i'd miss friday nights if i were to leave. it'd be weird to call you one of my best friends, but it's kind of true.
9. kate.
it sucks how you're barely at fencing anymore. camp dearborn was seriously the shit, two years ago. i love how you and i can see each other every weekend in a row for about five weekends, and then still have hours of things to talk about. remember how doug finally threatened to card us if we start a conversation in the middle of a bout again? ohdear. i miss seeing you all the time, but i love you tons regardless. this summer :)
10. chelsea.
i just love you. i'm glad you're happy with ethan. crew is fantastic. you're fantastic.
11. ethan.
see above :)
ohyeah, and i'm not sorry i didn't hug you when you called me fat.
YOU DESERVED IT.
not really.
12. jon.
dude. i met you on a bench in the hallway after DEBATE CLUB.
how the hell did we end up such good friends?!
i don't know, but i think it's awesome how we can go from your email address on my arm to hanging out every day after school during the week, pretty much. you're fantastically amazing. i'm going to miss you when you graduate and leave me in my sophmore-ness without you.
by the way, thanks for the leaves down my shirt. it's always much appreciated when i'm undressing and it looks like a minor autumnal storm.
13. jp.
i met you because jon needs to get texting.
rides in your car are probably more dangerous than juggling knives, but that's cool. and you've got to admit, it was funny when we all dented the roof.
whenever i hear "because i got high", i can't stop laughing and thinking of how mr. archibald pulled up next to us when we were parked in front of the school with the doors all open and the music cranked, sitting on the roof with the band kids watching us like "what the hell!?"
you're a slut, sorry, but keep your pants on and i'm cool with you.
14. mike.
again, met you because of jon.
you seem really interesting.
thanks for explaining final fantasy 12 to me :)
and helping me get over that massive wall
i hope we get to hang out more
because that would be really, really cool.
15. amanda.
I LOVE YOU
even if your mother is a fish.
sorry we didn't talk. but now we do. and i'm glad we do.
16. lauren.
ohhdear you're fantastic.
i hope we hang out much more.
even if you do influence me not to bathe too much.
1. natalie taylor.
i read what you wrote. i've been reading what you've been writing all summer. and i never guessed. did i write you off? i'm not one to judge, maybe, but hearing what you've been thinking made me feel like i deserved a punch in the face. more than one punch. i know there's not a way i can rectify this to make you ever feel the same about me again, because i'll admit right now i fucked up. this won't set things straight, but i feel like the only way to explain why i did what i did is how i got dropped into stevenson already feeling like i wasn't good enough for you guys. i didn't make it in with the smart kids, and then i never quite got everything. is it dumb that you made me feel so ordinary? you're eclectic and original and i envy that. i can't explain the distance between us, and i don't expect you to welcome me with open arms because we both know we can't go back. but i'd like to leave things at least neutral, so i don't feel like i'm constantly aggravating you.
2. sahana.
we don't talk as much as we used to. we're both quite concious of this, i'm sure. but i think it's made us that much stronger of friends, that we can go on not always constantly in touch, and still have a good time when we're together. i'm sorry i haven't always told you everything, and i'm trying to reconcile that. i always feel so bad for you when you tell me about all the drama you've gotten dumped in but at the same time i'm almost glad i'm not there with you. it's nice to be objective without having already taken a side. nine years and still going, you're a great person and friend.
3. kayleigh.
honestly, i haven't had a conversation with you since before school started. and honestly, i'm glad you're happier with tam and allison and them. you had such dreams about the people you'd meet in stevenson, and i hope you meet them all. i don't know if i miss us or not, but maybe when i run into you again junior or senior year, we'll still be able to talk if we're not too different.
4. carl.
i haven't talked to you that much, either. getting that text from you made me feel like i at least did something right to help you, even if it was at midnight. we've caused each other some pain in the past years, but i'm still glad to say i got to spend time with you when i did.
5. brian.
i really, truly love talking to you. i'm glad i met you when travis brought you to the renfest. i'm glad i didn't blow you off as a dork, even if you are dorky :) i'm glad we still talk and it hasn't died out. i'm glad i could give you advice, and i'm glad that you'd come save me in case of a zombie attack. you're such a good person, even if you don't always admit it to yourself. even if we never get to see each other (i've seen you for about what, five minutes since that day in july?) this summer will be awesome. thanks for cheering me up when i needed it. i'll always try to do the same for you.
6. nathan corliss.
honestly, meeting you was the most random thing ever. we met at saturday crew because mr. corliss had left you there to "supervise" us until he came back. and we ended up talking about books, and i lent you trainspotting. then we talked about that on facebook. and now, we talk pretty regularly. you're a fascinating person. i don't mind that you talk about yourself. and you're more intelligent than you willingly give yourself credit for. thank you for making me feel like things will work out, regardless of whether i move or not. and thank you for making me feel like what i say actually means something. you're a great guy.
7. natalie cote.
dear god, i haven't talked to you in too long. i probably should've talked to you, too. i'm sorry i wasn't really there when everything with you and ethan was going on. i still have no idea what "side" i'm on. you're fantastic. don't lose it.
8. alec.
i don't know how we put up with each other. i'm glad the way things worked out the way they did :] you have no idea how much i'd miss friday nights if i were to leave. it'd be weird to call you one of my best friends, but it's kind of true.
9. kate.
it sucks how you're barely at fencing anymore. camp dearborn was seriously the shit, two years ago. i love how you and i can see each other every weekend in a row for about five weekends, and then still have hours of things to talk about. remember how doug finally threatened to card us if we start a conversation in the middle of a bout again? ohdear. i miss seeing you all the time, but i love you tons regardless. this summer :)
10. chelsea.
i just love you. i'm glad you're happy with ethan. crew is fantastic. you're fantastic.
11. ethan.
see above :)
ohyeah, and i'm not sorry i didn't hug you when you called me fat.
YOU DESERVED IT.
not really.
12. jon.
dude. i met you on a bench in the hallway after DEBATE CLUB.
how the hell did we end up such good friends?!
i don't know, but i think it's awesome how we can go from your email address on my arm to hanging out every day after school during the week, pretty much. you're fantastically amazing. i'm going to miss you when you graduate and leave me in my sophmore-ness without you.
by the way, thanks for the leaves down my shirt. it's always much appreciated when i'm undressing and it looks like a minor autumnal storm.
13. jp.
i met you because jon needs to get texting.
rides in your car are probably more dangerous than juggling knives, but that's cool. and you've got to admit, it was funny when we all dented the roof.
whenever i hear "because i got high", i can't stop laughing and thinking of how mr. archibald pulled up next to us when we were parked in front of the school with the doors all open and the music cranked, sitting on the roof with the band kids watching us like "what the hell!?"
you're a slut, sorry, but keep your pants on and i'm cool with you.
14. mike.
again, met you because of jon.
you seem really interesting.
thanks for explaining final fantasy 12 to me :)
and helping me get over that massive wall
i hope we get to hang out more
because that would be really, really cool.
15. amanda.
I LOVE YOU
even if your mother is a fish.
sorry we didn't talk. but now we do. and i'm glad we do.
16. lauren.
ohhdear you're fantastic.
i hope we hang out much more.
even if you do influence me not to bathe too much.
let love in.
i'm feeling better.
combination of ice cream, talking to nathan, and cheesy music i rarely listen to seems to work it's magic when it's needed the most. except i used up all of the ice cream, so that's no good.
but i really am glad that i got to talk about it at least with someone.
talk talk talk it out.
except it's not talked out, not at all. imagine the scene, me camped out on the rug doing that algebra 2 project, with mom & dad shooting facts and figures across the room about different cities in georgia, north carolina, tennessee.
i don't understand but i know how it goes. this time if they don't decide to go i know i'll feel bad for my dad, never getting quite what he wants because he loves us. isn't life always like that? you give yourself up for others. i'm being the most supportive i can. how selfish would i be to drag him down, up in his face saying "how could you do this to me?"
shannon's already like that, and i'm sorry he has to see that. she's got the list of pros and cons taped to her bedroom door: about two pros, twenty or so cons. don't you understand he has to walk by that every morning while you're alseep and worry about you? it doesn't help when you sit there as we're discussing the true pros and cons, going "con: shannon dies". you won't die. shut up shut UP. i want her to see more than just what she'd be leaving. we'd all be leaving things behind. how do you think i feel when i'm confronted with the possibility of leaving everything i ever knew behind and starting fresh at the bottom of the food chain?
i guess i have to be nice to her, though, because she doesn't see beyond what she thinks.
i'm lucky to have people who know what to say.
"I appreciate that a lot. I think you are, too. since starting college, I haven't met many new people who I can talk to this comfortably I suppose. and you're four or more years younger than they all are."
thanks for making me feel like i can accomplish something.
oh, the people i'd miss.
three days of school this week, and no tests that i know of or care about. i can do it, i can do it.
combination of ice cream, talking to nathan, and cheesy music i rarely listen to seems to work it's magic when it's needed the most. except i used up all of the ice cream, so that's no good.
but i really am glad that i got to talk about it at least with someone.
talk talk talk it out.
except it's not talked out, not at all. imagine the scene, me camped out on the rug doing that algebra 2 project, with mom & dad shooting facts and figures across the room about different cities in georgia, north carolina, tennessee.
i don't understand but i know how it goes. this time if they don't decide to go i know i'll feel bad for my dad, never getting quite what he wants because he loves us. isn't life always like that? you give yourself up for others. i'm being the most supportive i can. how selfish would i be to drag him down, up in his face saying "how could you do this to me?"
shannon's already like that, and i'm sorry he has to see that. she's got the list of pros and cons taped to her bedroom door: about two pros, twenty or so cons. don't you understand he has to walk by that every morning while you're alseep and worry about you? it doesn't help when you sit there as we're discussing the true pros and cons, going "con: shannon dies". you won't die. shut up shut UP. i want her to see more than just what she'd be leaving. we'd all be leaving things behind. how do you think i feel when i'm confronted with the possibility of leaving everything i ever knew behind and starting fresh at the bottom of the food chain?
i guess i have to be nice to her, though, because she doesn't see beyond what she thinks.
i'm lucky to have people who know what to say.
"I appreciate that a lot. I think you are, too. since starting college, I haven't met many new people who I can talk to this comfortably I suppose. and you're four or more years younger than they all are."
thanks for making me feel like i can accomplish something.
oh, the people i'd miss.
three days of school this week, and no tests that i know of or care about. i can do it, i can do it.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
in other news,
this is the first year i'm having to actually search for things to put down on my christmas list, and now it's about 50% books.
there are only about 8 things on the list, anyways.
i'm kind of proud i'm not as materialistic anymore.
there are only about 8 things on the list, anyways.
i'm kind of proud i'm not as materialistic anymore.
i can bend and not break.
if i wanted to lie, i suppose i could say that i'm fine and jolly and doing just dandy. while i may keep things to myself, i'm not one to lie, unfortunately. i truly am freaking out, in a relative sort of way. i don't think anyone can really tell, since it's more of an internal craziness, so to speak. but it's there and it's eating at me.
my dad got offered a job, and he has to go talk to some people at ford next week, but he's strongly considering it. i overheard him talking to one of our neighbors with job, and he said that if they offer him something in one of the places he wants to go (charlotte, memphis, atlanta i believe are the ones he wants) that he would probably take it. maybe i misheard? oh, who knows. the family meeting about it was anticlimatic, to say the least. no one blew up or cried, and i just stayed curled up on the couch. it's not my decision what happens, all i can do is be honest and say i'd sure as hell miss it, now. we're all so jaded from the whole thing last year, what with him trying and trying to find some job so we could move over the summer. it doesn't seem real now, like it's just a tiny floating possibility. i'd be lying again if i said it wasn't quite possible. but i'm not admitting it to myself fully, because i don't know what i'd do.
mom said they'd want him to start in january, that we'd probably make him move down first and then she thinks she and shannon and i would have to move down on spring break or something. i'm proud of myself, in a way. i haven't cried, or let it get me down too much. i even told dad, digging my nails into the palms of my hands to assure myself it was ok, that he needs to do what he think is best, because we'd survive regardless. am i being good to my dad or selling myself short?
all i know is that this summer, it wouldn't be such a heartache. there were people i was going to be separated from regardless, and i still talk to them, just in a dimished kind of way. and i'd start a new high school, much like a bunch of other kids. but now, i've met people. some of them acquantinces, people who'll wave and smile at me and never start conversation. but some of them i'm actually pretty attached to, like i've met people who think like me, who i can be comfortable with. and i've got activities and a set way of life that i like things here. just as i'm finally getting that handle on things, it's loosening and might just fall out.
and fencing, how could i stay sane without it? going on four years now that i've been doing it, being coached by doug and some of the kids i've been friends with for all those three years. could i really pick up all my things and go to a new town, state, and keep fencing? i'm not so serious about it, and i'm doubting i'd meet people like the ones i've been associating with for those three years. i was counting on doug coaching me for the next four years, until i graduated. i was counting on him making that team, and getting good, and going to tournaments and maybe winning.
i don't have anything to say for myself about last night.
sahana knows what i'm talking aboutttt.
i guess it just got to me.
i'd miss that if i left.
we had trench warfare at fencing, with nick and alec and i ducked down in a kind of ditch behind the hill with alex and max running at us, alex with this ginormous pvc pipe he was swinging and screaming :) and they captured the vitamin water and threw it across the parking lot, like "vitamin water grenade!"
yes, vitamin water grenades do explode.
i have too many emotional bonds, now, with fencing kids and friends and activities and i'm okay now. it'll end up paining me, a lot.
please, dad, don't take it. things are collapsing in michigan, but can you stick it out four years?
i'm only saying this because i know you'll never read this. i wouldn't drag you down otherwise.
sorry, guys. i wasn't going to bring it up but it'd be unfair otherwise.
my dad got offered a job, and he has to go talk to some people at ford next week, but he's strongly considering it. i overheard him talking to one of our neighbors with job, and he said that if they offer him something in one of the places he wants to go (charlotte, memphis, atlanta i believe are the ones he wants) that he would probably take it. maybe i misheard? oh, who knows. the family meeting about it was anticlimatic, to say the least. no one blew up or cried, and i just stayed curled up on the couch. it's not my decision what happens, all i can do is be honest and say i'd sure as hell miss it, now. we're all so jaded from the whole thing last year, what with him trying and trying to find some job so we could move over the summer. it doesn't seem real now, like it's just a tiny floating possibility. i'd be lying again if i said it wasn't quite possible. but i'm not admitting it to myself fully, because i don't know what i'd do.
mom said they'd want him to start in january, that we'd probably make him move down first and then she thinks she and shannon and i would have to move down on spring break or something. i'm proud of myself, in a way. i haven't cried, or let it get me down too much. i even told dad, digging my nails into the palms of my hands to assure myself it was ok, that he needs to do what he think is best, because we'd survive regardless. am i being good to my dad or selling myself short?
all i know is that this summer, it wouldn't be such a heartache. there were people i was going to be separated from regardless, and i still talk to them, just in a dimished kind of way. and i'd start a new high school, much like a bunch of other kids. but now, i've met people. some of them acquantinces, people who'll wave and smile at me and never start conversation. but some of them i'm actually pretty attached to, like i've met people who think like me, who i can be comfortable with. and i've got activities and a set way of life that i like things here. just as i'm finally getting that handle on things, it's loosening and might just fall out.
and fencing, how could i stay sane without it? going on four years now that i've been doing it, being coached by doug and some of the kids i've been friends with for all those three years. could i really pick up all my things and go to a new town, state, and keep fencing? i'm not so serious about it, and i'm doubting i'd meet people like the ones i've been associating with for those three years. i was counting on doug coaching me for the next four years, until i graduated. i was counting on him making that team, and getting good, and going to tournaments and maybe winning.
i don't have anything to say for myself about last night.
sahana knows what i'm talking aboutttt.
i guess it just got to me.
i'd miss that if i left.
we had trench warfare at fencing, with nick and alec and i ducked down in a kind of ditch behind the hill with alex and max running at us, alex with this ginormous pvc pipe he was swinging and screaming :) and they captured the vitamin water and threw it across the parking lot, like "vitamin water grenade!"
yes, vitamin water grenades do explode.
i have too many emotional bonds, now, with fencing kids and friends and activities and i'm okay now. it'll end up paining me, a lot.
please, dad, don't take it. things are collapsing in michigan, but can you stick it out four years?
i'm only saying this because i know you'll never read this. i wouldn't drag you down otherwise.
sorry, guys. i wasn't going to bring it up but it'd be unfair otherwise.
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