i can bend and not break.

if i wanted to lie, i suppose i could say that i'm fine and jolly and doing just dandy. while i may keep things to myself, i'm not one to lie, unfortunately. i truly am freaking out, in a relative sort of way. i don't think anyone can really tell, since it's more of an internal craziness, so to speak. but it's there and it's eating at me.

my dad got offered a job, and he has to go talk to some people at ford next week, but he's strongly considering it. i overheard him talking to one of our neighbors with job, and he said that if they offer him something in one of the places he wants to go (charlotte, memphis, atlanta i believe are the ones he wants) that he would probably take it. maybe i misheard? oh, who knows. the family meeting about it was anticlimatic, to say the least. no one blew up or cried, and i just stayed curled up on the couch. it's not my decision what happens, all i can do is be honest and say i'd sure as hell miss it, now. we're all so jaded from the whole thing last year, what with him trying and trying to find some job so we could move over the summer. it doesn't seem real now, like it's just a tiny floating possibility. i'd be lying again if i said it wasn't quite possible. but i'm not admitting it to myself fully, because i don't know what i'd do.

mom said they'd want him to start in january, that we'd probably make him move down first and then she thinks she and shannon and i would have to move down on spring break or something. i'm proud of myself, in a way. i haven't cried, or let it get me down too much. i even told dad, digging my nails into the palms of my hands to assure myself it was ok, that he needs to do what he think is best, because we'd survive regardless. am i being good to my dad or selling myself short?

all i know is that this summer, it wouldn't be such a heartache. there were people i was going to be separated from regardless, and i still talk to them, just in a dimished kind of way. and i'd start a new high school, much like a bunch of other kids. but now, i've met people. some of them acquantinces, people who'll wave and smile at me and never start conversation. but some of them i'm actually pretty attached to, like i've met people who think like me, who i can be comfortable with. and i've got activities and a set way of life that i like things here. just as i'm finally getting that handle on things, it's loosening and might just fall out.
and fencing, how could i stay sane without it? going on four years now that i've been doing it, being coached by doug and some of the kids i've been friends with for all those three years. could i really pick up all my things and go to a new town, state, and keep fencing? i'm not so serious about it, and i'm doubting i'd meet people like the ones i've been associating with for those three years. i was counting on doug coaching me for the next four years, until i graduated. i was counting on him making that team, and getting good, and going to tournaments and maybe winning.

i don't have anything to say for myself about last night.
sahana knows what i'm talking aboutttt.
i guess it just got to me.
i'd miss that if i left.

we had trench warfare at fencing, with nick and alec and i ducked down in a kind of ditch behind the hill with alex and max running at us, alex with this ginormous pvc pipe he was swinging and screaming :) and they captured the vitamin water and threw it across the parking lot, like "vitamin water grenade!"
yes, vitamin water grenades do explode.

i have too many emotional bonds, now, with fencing kids and friends and activities and i'm okay now. it'll end up paining me, a lot.
please, dad, don't take it. things are collapsing in michigan, but can you stick it out four years?
i'm only saying this because i know you'll never read this. i wouldn't drag you down otherwise.

sorry, guys. i wasn't going to bring it up but it'd be unfair otherwise.