let love in.

i'm feeling better.
combination of ice cream, talking to nathan, and cheesy music i rarely listen to seems to work it's magic when it's needed the most. except i used up all of the ice cream, so that's no good.
but i really am glad that i got to talk about it at least with someone.
talk talk talk it out.

except it's not talked out, not at all. imagine the scene, me camped out on the rug doing that algebra 2 project, with mom & dad shooting facts and figures across the room about different cities in georgia, north carolina, tennessee.
i don't understand but i know how it goes. this time if they don't decide to go i know i'll feel bad for my dad, never getting quite what he wants because he loves us. isn't life always like that? you give yourself up for others. i'm being the most supportive i can. how selfish would i be to drag him down, up in his face saying "how could you do this to me?"
shannon's already like that, and i'm sorry he has to see that. she's got the list of pros and cons taped to her bedroom door: about two pros, twenty or so cons. don't you understand he has to walk by that every morning while you're alseep and worry about you? it doesn't help when you sit there as we're discussing the true pros and cons, going "con: shannon dies". you won't die. shut up shut UP. i want her to see more than just what she'd be leaving. we'd all be leaving things behind. how do you think i feel when i'm confronted with the possibility of leaving everything i ever knew behind and starting fresh at the bottom of the food chain?

i guess i have to be nice to her, though, because she doesn't see beyond what she thinks.
i'm lucky to have people who know what to say.

"I appreciate that a lot. I think you are, too. since starting college, I haven't met many new people who I can talk to this comfortably I suppose. and you're four or more years younger than they all are."

thanks for making me feel like i can accomplish something.


oh, the people i'd miss.
three days of school this week, and no tests that i know of or care about. i can do it, i can do it.