goddamn.

i apologize in advance for going over the 10 people limit, but there are a hell of a lot more than 10 people i could say things to right now.

1. natalie taylor.
i read what you wrote. i've been reading what you've been writing all summer. and i never guessed. did i write you off? i'm not one to judge, maybe, but hearing what you've been thinking made me feel like i deserved a punch in the face. more than one punch. i know there's not a way i can rectify this to make you ever feel the same about me again, because i'll admit right now i fucked up. this won't set things straight, but i feel like the only way to explain why i did what i did is how i got dropped into stevenson already feeling like i wasn't good enough for you guys. i didn't make it in with the smart kids, and then i never quite got everything. is it dumb that you made me feel so ordinary? you're eclectic and original and i envy that. i can't explain the distance between us, and i don't expect you to welcome me with open arms because we both know we can't go back. but i'd like to leave things at least neutral, so i don't feel like i'm constantly aggravating you.

2. sahana.
we don't talk as much as we used to. we're both quite concious of this, i'm sure. but i think it's made us that much stronger of friends, that we can go on not always constantly in touch, and still have a good time when we're together. i'm sorry i haven't always told you everything, and i'm trying to reconcile that. i always feel so bad for you when you tell me about all the drama you've gotten dumped in but at the same time i'm almost glad i'm not there with you. it's nice to be objective without having already taken a side. nine years and still going, you're a great person and friend.

3. kayleigh.
honestly, i haven't had a conversation with you since before school started. and honestly, i'm glad you're happier with tam and allison and them. you had such dreams about the people you'd meet in stevenson, and i hope you meet them all. i don't know if i miss us or not, but maybe when i run into you again junior or senior year, we'll still be able to talk if we're not too different.

4. carl.
i haven't talked to you that much, either. getting that text from you made me feel like i at least did something right to help you, even if it was at midnight. we've caused each other some pain in the past years, but i'm still glad to say i got to spend time with you when i did.

5. brian.
i really, truly love talking to you. i'm glad i met you when travis brought you to the renfest. i'm glad i didn't blow you off as a dork, even if you are dorky :) i'm glad we still talk and it hasn't died out. i'm glad i could give you advice, and i'm glad that you'd come save me in case of a zombie attack. you're such a good person, even if you don't always admit it to yourself. even if we never get to see each other (i've seen you for about what, five minutes since that day in july?) this summer will be awesome. thanks for cheering me up when i needed it. i'll always try to do the same for you.

6. nathan corliss.
honestly, meeting you was the most random thing ever. we met at saturday crew because mr. corliss had left you there to "supervise" us until he came back. and we ended up talking about books, and i lent you trainspotting. then we talked about that on facebook. and now, we talk pretty regularly. you're a fascinating person. i don't mind that you talk about yourself. and you're more intelligent than you willingly give yourself credit for. thank you for making me feel like things will work out, regardless of whether i move or not. and thank you for making me feel like what i say actually means something. you're a great guy.

7. natalie cote.
dear god, i haven't talked to you in too long. i probably should've talked to you, too. i'm sorry i wasn't really there when everything with you and ethan was going on. i still have no idea what "side" i'm on. you're fantastic. don't lose it.

8. alec.
i don't know how we put up with each other. i'm glad the way things worked out the way they did :] you have no idea how much i'd miss friday nights if i were to leave. it'd be weird to call you one of my best friends, but it's kind of true.

9. kate.
it sucks how you're barely at fencing anymore. camp dearborn was seriously the shit, two years ago. i love how you and i can see each other every weekend in a row for about five weekends, and then still have hours of things to talk about. remember how doug finally threatened to card us if we start a conversation in the middle of a bout again? ohdear. i miss seeing you all the time, but i love you tons regardless. this summer :)

10. chelsea.
i just love you. i'm glad you're happy with ethan. crew is fantastic. you're fantastic.

11. ethan.
see above :)
ohyeah, and i'm not sorry i didn't hug you when you called me fat.
YOU DESERVED IT.

not really.

12. jon.
dude. i met you on a bench in the hallway after DEBATE CLUB.
how the hell did we end up such good friends?!
i don't know, but i think it's awesome how we can go from your email address on my arm to hanging out every day after school during the week, pretty much. you're fantastically amazing. i'm going to miss you when you graduate and leave me in my sophmore-ness without you.
by the way, thanks for the leaves down my shirt. it's always much appreciated when i'm undressing and it looks like a minor autumnal storm.

13. jp.
i met you because jon needs to get texting.
rides in your car are probably more dangerous than juggling knives, but that's cool. and you've got to admit, it was funny when we all dented the roof.
whenever i hear "because i got high", i can't stop laughing and thinking of how mr. archibald pulled up next to us when we were parked in front of the school with the doors all open and the music cranked, sitting on the roof with the band kids watching us like "what the hell!?"
you're a slut, sorry, but keep your pants on and i'm cool with you.

14. mike.
again, met you because of jon.
you seem really interesting.
thanks for explaining final fantasy 12 to me :)
and helping me get over that massive wall
i hope we get to hang out more
because that would be really, really cool.

15. amanda.
I LOVE YOU
even if your mother is a fish.
sorry we didn't talk. but now we do. and i'm glad we do.

16. lauren.
ohhdear you're fantastic.
i hope we hang out much more.
even if you do influence me not to bathe too much.