this is the first day of my life.

maybe not, but bright eyes still makes me smile.

today was a better day. a lot better. it still pissed me off when they tried to tell me what fucking career i should have, when we did that thing in world history. hah. it said i should do something in the arts.
tell me what i already know...
ahaha. i'm totally visiting jon in his shitty apartment after he graduates. and amanda and i are bringing him food if he lets us crash there.
i need to get a job this summer so i can get a car!
job = car = freedom.
but i can see myself being some disgustingly grungy art kid who always reeks of spray paint and always makes their own clothes and stuff. i'd love doing that. even if it never paid good. who cares about money when you don't shower?
:)

but other than, you know, the administration being dipshits, my day was pretty cool.
they will always be pricks anyways, you just get used to them losing your test scores and stuff like that. cooooool.
four as, an a-, a c+
i do damn good for not giving a flying fuck!
lol. still making my parents proud as ever.

i wonder if i will ever meet a guy who can dance like axl rose.
god i hope so :]
i would totally give him a hug.
and be friends with him for life.

i know what i'm getting for christmas
mainly because my parents asked me if i was sure i wanted it, because it didn't fit in the pocket as easily.
canon powershot a560 :)
it's pretty high tech too, so i'll have to make sure to not, you know, dropkick it... goddamn, you guys :D
seriously. it's got like, face recognition and red eye reduction and it's fantastical.
ahhh i am so excited i'll finally be able to capture everything again. i'm so looking forward to it.
i'll probably spend all christmas break hanging out with people and taking soooo manyyy pictures of them.
serves them right.

:D
fencing tonight
& sahana and i are doing her tree tomorrow, then movie nighting at my house :)
lame christmas music, yay!
and probably like, junk food too.
and hot cocoa.
ahhh i totally needed this :) i had a shitty week
and it's getting better.

ican'twaitforbreak.
i can't wait for my CAMERA.
i can't wait to party like, all christmas season.
it should be awesome.

anyone up for sledding/ hot cocoa/ movies at my house one of the days?
i think i actually want to start hanging out with people.

we might get "varsity stage crew" shirts :D
black with neon blue lettering? ahhh we better talk about it and order them.

adios!

i don't know who you are anymore.

i dreamed about you last night.
i never dream, not that i can remember.
it was only right then. not in reality. not now.

i stayed home "sick". i needed a day off. i don't think i'll ever be ready for that math test, i don't care.


ps. i don't even know if you care about me anymore.
nothing gold can stay, right?
i wish it was like it used to be.


oh, and you.
stop invading everything i do and stop taking everything i have for my own. it's not your right.
i shouldn't say that. it's unfair.

alec and i don't talk the same anymore.
fuck.

breathe, hit repeat.

i think it's absurd that my favorite part of this song is the beginning before there's any singing or anything that makes the usual music, music. it's just electronic noises and i love it.

"i listen to music that tells how i feel."
you and me both. you seemed so smart compared to what i've seen you to be.
when you take away everyone else, and leave just us and the night,
you had a different side of you.

i'm sorry?
i don't know what i'm really apologizing for. but i'm just sorry in general.
i've let too many people down.

my procrastination's getting worse. i have an algebra two quiz tomorrow, i can't bring myself to care about it.
honestly. i haven't even cracked my notes. i didn't even look at the review worksheet she gave us in class, i did the biology i was too apathetic to do last night.

i gave myself things to do instead of study, but none of it was even close to important. i wasted about two hours straightening my hair, cutting it, straightening it again, curling it. then i did all of my makeup again, even when no one was going to see me.
i look better now than i have for the past week, and all i feel is like a complete failure because even now as i'm typing this, my folder is less than a yard away. i could shut off my computer, get my calculator, and do the problems i was supposed to do.
am i? no. i'll end up studying in world history, disrespecting mr. barker.

i don't know where i'm going anymore.
my mom asked me today if i was okay. i shrugged her off.
i wish i could talk to her and tell her that i'm not happy, that i don't understand why things are the way they are for me and why things keep having to change and hurt.
i know she'd understand
i think i just don't want to admit to myself that i need someone.


at some level i think i know.
i was going to tell you something important, and you cut me off.
and you, i tried to tell you something. you didn't even catch the sadness in my tone.
these are not aimed at you.

i never used to be this sensitive.
i don't get to close for a reason. it hurts less.
now, even a little bit, i'm more attached.
i have friends (?), activities, mindless classes to fill my day with. things are planned out.
and though i might not be fully content, i'm used to them.

i don't know where this is heading.
press repeat.

the trip to kalamazoo

made me remember a few moments from the ride with jp & jon x)


jon: "why do YOU get shotgun?"
me: "..... because i have boobs."
jp: "yeah!"



jon: "JP! JP! you're not on the ROAD!"
jp: "*turning wheel* shit, that's the shoulder."


*after jp turns onto the exit and hits the curb and sends jon and i slamming into the side of the car*
jp: "i think i turned a little too late."




just found that a little bit amusing

that car ride should've killed us all x)

oh yeah and

hearing mae play suspension live was just great.
:)

i'd swim the ocean for you

i like metro station. they're cute and they make me feel just... nice.
i've been having such a good time, i had to stop and slow down and think about everything.

i wish there was a way to develop all the pictures from my mind.
i would've liked to have them, in case i end up getting dragged miles away from here to a new "home."
it's selfish of me to say that this will still be my real home, regardless of where i end up, because i'm sure i'll assimilate eventually.
but there are some moments i think it'd be fun to have snapshots in, so i won't forget.

it's freezing outside, and i don't like it, but i do.
to tell you the truth, i liked it when we were driving with the windows down because the rain was fogging them up
it was raining inside, on me, and the cold air was making me shake
but it just felt like being there on that highway was somewhere i should be.

like i'm finally breaking out of my shell where i'm not afraid to do things now
i mean, i went to a show in detroit with two guys who were two and three years my senior
a year ago, i would've never gone


i'm trying to decide if that's a good thing or if i'm just taking too many risks
ohh i've just always been afraid to do something with my life.

people keep wanting to hang out
i don't want to get too close now, in case it happens
i can't let this cloud of not knowing just hang over me like this


strangely, i'm not even sad right now.
just, thinking. and wondering. and waiting for next week, i suppose, when dad talks to the guy at work and basically determines the rest of my high school life.

i think it'd be nice to be an artist, if i had more talent. photography, i think.
more excuses to capture every moment.

ironic how

last nights concert was on november 21st, exactly a year since my first concert. what's up with me and day before thanksgiving shows?

anyways. i'm wiped. i slept in till noon and i could go back to bed right now and sleep another couple hours, no problem.
i was so hyper the whole school day i was seriously shaking for part of it
jp and i were texting like all of spanish
i think mrs. dyer knew but didnt even want to bother yelling at me
and i didn't even have much caffiene. people probably thought i was on speed.

i got home like 20 minutes before jp showed up at my house because i had to walk home in the rain
so i fixed my hair from the rain, did my makeup, ate my dinner in about 30 seconds flat, and then was ready to go.
my mom wasn't even home when i left
so jp and nathan just came up to the door, my dad shook their hands, said "nice to meet you both", i gave him a hug goodbye, told him i'd call him when we were leaving to get home, and we were offf to go get jon.
it wasn't even awkward at alllll :] which was cool.

we pulled up at jons, turned up the music all the way and basically blasted him out of the house with the bass
then at the gas station nathan got in a car with some of his other friends who were going so it was just me and jp and jon

we went off the wrong exit and almost killed ourselves going off the curb because he turned almost too late
and we ended up getting lost in detroit with it like pouring rain
and he blew like three red lights
"oh shit! i didn't see that in time so i couldn't stop... so my only way to fix that was to speed up!"
but jp knew where we were somehow so we managed to find our way to the state theatre
i think most of the reason why he's such a crazy driver
is because of how completely distracted he gets, like texting and driving or tickling and driving or being turned around talking to someone in the backseat while driving...
or because jon was like, kicking him in the back of the head too.
who knows x)

parked in the garage, found the elevator, and then jon and jp picked me up and were threatning to carry me into the elevator like that
but it was broken so we jumped down like three sets of stairs and found nathan because we had his ticket.

got in, found the people from the other car
one of the girls has a picture of jp and jon and i on her camera
i hope she sends it to jp, cause it was really funny
someone had a cup of ice

jp: "want to play a game? you pass the ice.... with your tongue."
coooooool.
so we got to the middle of the crowd for metro station.

and the show was amazing
we got grabbed and squished and really sweaty
but we were like two people from the stage for anberlin and mae, and the singer for anberlin came out and was leaning out into the crowd like right on top of us
jealous muchh? :)
by the time motion city soundtrack came on we like could barely move except for when we almost fell over because of the crowd pushing us forwards or backwards
we were like two from the stage for about three songs
then jon and i backed up to the back of the crowd and he boosted me up and i crowdsurfed across the entire pit right up to the barrier and it was amazing :DDDD
no one dropped me or anything but it was nuts
security grabbed me of course and put me down but i lost my balance and almost fell onto the stage when they were playing, but another security guy grabbed me so i didnt tip over all the way
and then jon crowdsurfed up after me and almost lost his shoe but got it back
so we met up at the back and then went in again and moshed
some guy punched me in the face like right below my eye on accident x) and was like "ohmygod i'm so sorry!"
i'm just mad it didn't bruise, because that would've been really funny.

so we were in the middle for a lot of the set, then for like the last two songs we found jp and nathan at the back of the crowd and stood with them.

justin pierre: "i hope you all brought condoms, cause you're getting FUCKED tonight!"

ahaha. he was really funny.
and they even played capital h, which almost basically made me life
so we danced around to that and everything.


when we finally got out of there past the people handing out flyers and such
(i got 8 mae stickers, hahah. they just handed me like a stack)
we found the car, got out of there, then figured we had like 4 bucks between the three of us, and we were all dying
so we got onto the highway, etc, made it to livonia, and found a burger king
and got the biggest coke we could and the biggest fries we could
at like, 11.30 at night because we were so hungry and dehydrated

and then we dropped jon off, then jp took me home and dropped me off.
by then it was pretty close to midnight
got home and my dad was up waiting for me
so i told him about it, texted a couple people who'd messaged me and i hadn't responded to
and then crashed

and didn't wake up until noon today :D
now i'm really tired
and exhausted
but it was amazingly fun :DDD

goddamn.

i apologize in advance for going over the 10 people limit, but there are a hell of a lot more than 10 people i could say things to right now.

1. natalie taylor.
i read what you wrote. i've been reading what you've been writing all summer. and i never guessed. did i write you off? i'm not one to judge, maybe, but hearing what you've been thinking made me feel like i deserved a punch in the face. more than one punch. i know there's not a way i can rectify this to make you ever feel the same about me again, because i'll admit right now i fucked up. this won't set things straight, but i feel like the only way to explain why i did what i did is how i got dropped into stevenson already feeling like i wasn't good enough for you guys. i didn't make it in with the smart kids, and then i never quite got everything. is it dumb that you made me feel so ordinary? you're eclectic and original and i envy that. i can't explain the distance between us, and i don't expect you to welcome me with open arms because we both know we can't go back. but i'd like to leave things at least neutral, so i don't feel like i'm constantly aggravating you.

2. sahana.
we don't talk as much as we used to. we're both quite concious of this, i'm sure. but i think it's made us that much stronger of friends, that we can go on not always constantly in touch, and still have a good time when we're together. i'm sorry i haven't always told you everything, and i'm trying to reconcile that. i always feel so bad for you when you tell me about all the drama you've gotten dumped in but at the same time i'm almost glad i'm not there with you. it's nice to be objective without having already taken a side. nine years and still going, you're a great person and friend.

3. kayleigh.
honestly, i haven't had a conversation with you since before school started. and honestly, i'm glad you're happier with tam and allison and them. you had such dreams about the people you'd meet in stevenson, and i hope you meet them all. i don't know if i miss us or not, but maybe when i run into you again junior or senior year, we'll still be able to talk if we're not too different.

4. carl.
i haven't talked to you that much, either. getting that text from you made me feel like i at least did something right to help you, even if it was at midnight. we've caused each other some pain in the past years, but i'm still glad to say i got to spend time with you when i did.

5. brian.
i really, truly love talking to you. i'm glad i met you when travis brought you to the renfest. i'm glad i didn't blow you off as a dork, even if you are dorky :) i'm glad we still talk and it hasn't died out. i'm glad i could give you advice, and i'm glad that you'd come save me in case of a zombie attack. you're such a good person, even if you don't always admit it to yourself. even if we never get to see each other (i've seen you for about what, five minutes since that day in july?) this summer will be awesome. thanks for cheering me up when i needed it. i'll always try to do the same for you.

6. nathan corliss.
honestly, meeting you was the most random thing ever. we met at saturday crew because mr. corliss had left you there to "supervise" us until he came back. and we ended up talking about books, and i lent you trainspotting. then we talked about that on facebook. and now, we talk pretty regularly. you're a fascinating person. i don't mind that you talk about yourself. and you're more intelligent than you willingly give yourself credit for. thank you for making me feel like things will work out, regardless of whether i move or not. and thank you for making me feel like what i say actually means something. you're a great guy.

7. natalie cote.
dear god, i haven't talked to you in too long. i probably should've talked to you, too. i'm sorry i wasn't really there when everything with you and ethan was going on. i still have no idea what "side" i'm on. you're fantastic. don't lose it.

8. alec.
i don't know how we put up with each other. i'm glad the way things worked out the way they did :] you have no idea how much i'd miss friday nights if i were to leave. it'd be weird to call you one of my best friends, but it's kind of true.

9. kate.
it sucks how you're barely at fencing anymore. camp dearborn was seriously the shit, two years ago. i love how you and i can see each other every weekend in a row for about five weekends, and then still have hours of things to talk about. remember how doug finally threatened to card us if we start a conversation in the middle of a bout again? ohdear. i miss seeing you all the time, but i love you tons regardless. this summer :)

10. chelsea.
i just love you. i'm glad you're happy with ethan. crew is fantastic. you're fantastic.

11. ethan.
see above :)
ohyeah, and i'm not sorry i didn't hug you when you called me fat.
YOU DESERVED IT.

not really.

12. jon.
dude. i met you on a bench in the hallway after DEBATE CLUB.
how the hell did we end up such good friends?!
i don't know, but i think it's awesome how we can go from your email address on my arm to hanging out every day after school during the week, pretty much. you're fantastically amazing. i'm going to miss you when you graduate and leave me in my sophmore-ness without you.
by the way, thanks for the leaves down my shirt. it's always much appreciated when i'm undressing and it looks like a minor autumnal storm.

13. jp.
i met you because jon needs to get texting.
rides in your car are probably more dangerous than juggling knives, but that's cool. and you've got to admit, it was funny when we all dented the roof.
whenever i hear "because i got high", i can't stop laughing and thinking of how mr. archibald pulled up next to us when we were parked in front of the school with the doors all open and the music cranked, sitting on the roof with the band kids watching us like "what the hell!?"
you're a slut, sorry, but keep your pants on and i'm cool with you.

14. mike.
again, met you because of jon.
you seem really interesting.
thanks for explaining final fantasy 12 to me :)
and helping me get over that massive wall
i hope we get to hang out more
because that would be really, really cool.

15. amanda.
I LOVE YOU
even if your mother is a fish.
sorry we didn't talk. but now we do. and i'm glad we do.

16. lauren.
ohhdear you're fantastic.
i hope we hang out much more.
even if you do influence me not to bathe too much.

let love in.

i'm feeling better.
combination of ice cream, talking to nathan, and cheesy music i rarely listen to seems to work it's magic when it's needed the most. except i used up all of the ice cream, so that's no good.
but i really am glad that i got to talk about it at least with someone.
talk talk talk it out.

except it's not talked out, not at all. imagine the scene, me camped out on the rug doing that algebra 2 project, with mom & dad shooting facts and figures across the room about different cities in georgia, north carolina, tennessee.
i don't understand but i know how it goes. this time if they don't decide to go i know i'll feel bad for my dad, never getting quite what he wants because he loves us. isn't life always like that? you give yourself up for others. i'm being the most supportive i can. how selfish would i be to drag him down, up in his face saying "how could you do this to me?"
shannon's already like that, and i'm sorry he has to see that. she's got the list of pros and cons taped to her bedroom door: about two pros, twenty or so cons. don't you understand he has to walk by that every morning while you're alseep and worry about you? it doesn't help when you sit there as we're discussing the true pros and cons, going "con: shannon dies". you won't die. shut up shut UP. i want her to see more than just what she'd be leaving. we'd all be leaving things behind. how do you think i feel when i'm confronted with the possibility of leaving everything i ever knew behind and starting fresh at the bottom of the food chain?

i guess i have to be nice to her, though, because she doesn't see beyond what she thinks.
i'm lucky to have people who know what to say.

"I appreciate that a lot. I think you are, too. since starting college, I haven't met many new people who I can talk to this comfortably I suppose. and you're four or more years younger than they all are."

thanks for making me feel like i can accomplish something.


oh, the people i'd miss.
three days of school this week, and no tests that i know of or care about. i can do it, i can do it.

in other news,

this is the first year i'm having to actually search for things to put down on my christmas list, and now it's about 50% books.
there are only about 8 things on the list, anyways.

i'm kind of proud i'm not as materialistic anymore.

i can bend and not break.

if i wanted to lie, i suppose i could say that i'm fine and jolly and doing just dandy. while i may keep things to myself, i'm not one to lie, unfortunately. i truly am freaking out, in a relative sort of way. i don't think anyone can really tell, since it's more of an internal craziness, so to speak. but it's there and it's eating at me.

my dad got offered a job, and he has to go talk to some people at ford next week, but he's strongly considering it. i overheard him talking to one of our neighbors with job, and he said that if they offer him something in one of the places he wants to go (charlotte, memphis, atlanta i believe are the ones he wants) that he would probably take it. maybe i misheard? oh, who knows. the family meeting about it was anticlimatic, to say the least. no one blew up or cried, and i just stayed curled up on the couch. it's not my decision what happens, all i can do is be honest and say i'd sure as hell miss it, now. we're all so jaded from the whole thing last year, what with him trying and trying to find some job so we could move over the summer. it doesn't seem real now, like it's just a tiny floating possibility. i'd be lying again if i said it wasn't quite possible. but i'm not admitting it to myself fully, because i don't know what i'd do.

mom said they'd want him to start in january, that we'd probably make him move down first and then she thinks she and shannon and i would have to move down on spring break or something. i'm proud of myself, in a way. i haven't cried, or let it get me down too much. i even told dad, digging my nails into the palms of my hands to assure myself it was ok, that he needs to do what he think is best, because we'd survive regardless. am i being good to my dad or selling myself short?

all i know is that this summer, it wouldn't be such a heartache. there were people i was going to be separated from regardless, and i still talk to them, just in a dimished kind of way. and i'd start a new high school, much like a bunch of other kids. but now, i've met people. some of them acquantinces, people who'll wave and smile at me and never start conversation. but some of them i'm actually pretty attached to, like i've met people who think like me, who i can be comfortable with. and i've got activities and a set way of life that i like things here. just as i'm finally getting that handle on things, it's loosening and might just fall out.
and fencing, how could i stay sane without it? going on four years now that i've been doing it, being coached by doug and some of the kids i've been friends with for all those three years. could i really pick up all my things and go to a new town, state, and keep fencing? i'm not so serious about it, and i'm doubting i'd meet people like the ones i've been associating with for those three years. i was counting on doug coaching me for the next four years, until i graduated. i was counting on him making that team, and getting good, and going to tournaments and maybe winning.

i don't have anything to say for myself about last night.
sahana knows what i'm talking aboutttt.
i guess it just got to me.
i'd miss that if i left.

we had trench warfare at fencing, with nick and alec and i ducked down in a kind of ditch behind the hill with alex and max running at us, alex with this ginormous pvc pipe he was swinging and screaming :) and they captured the vitamin water and threw it across the parking lot, like "vitamin water grenade!"
yes, vitamin water grenades do explode.

i have too many emotional bonds, now, with fencing kids and friends and activities and i'm okay now. it'll end up paining me, a lot.
please, dad, don't take it. things are collapsing in michigan, but can you stick it out four years?
i'm only saying this because i know you'll never read this. i wouldn't drag you down otherwise.

sorry, guys. i wasn't going to bring it up but it'd be unfair otherwise.